dahil wala lang, para maiba naman

Okay, so i decided not to delete my blog. My blog is technically approching oblivion, anyways.

So here's a song which sounded like a song i heard yesterday. And i feel like posting it because... I dunno. I just feel like. Maa, i'm getting better now. Been reading HP6 since yesterday (and doing my duties in between. I swear i'm working on the script!)

---

"The Suffering"

~coheed and cambria~

Is there a word or right to say
Even in this old fashioned way?
Go make your move, girl
I'm not coming home

Would things have changed if I could've stayed?
Would you have loved me either way?
Dressed to the blues.
Day to day with my collar up.

Decision sits so make it quick
A breath inhaled from an air so sick
I cursed the day I had learned
Of the web you spun...
You had your hold till bleeding

Hey, Hey!
If it was up to me
I would've figured you out
Way before the year clocked out
Oh, I hope you're waiting

Hey, Hey!
If it was up to me
I would've never walked out
So until the sun burns out
Oh, I hope you're waiting

Would we have lived as a child would care?
With this vial to drink I dare
(Oh where have you been, oh where have you been)
Only to cry all alone with your taste on tongue
(Oh where have you been if it hurts to be forgiving? Bye)

Should we try this again with hope? (Bye, bye)
Or is it lost, give up the ghost
And should I die all alone as I knew I would...
Then burn in hell young sinner

Hey, Hey! (Ha ha)
If it was up to me
I would've figured you out
Way before the year clocked out
Oh, I hope you're waiting
Oh, I hope you're waiting

Listen well... will you marry me?
Not now, Boy
Are you well in the Suffering?
You've been the most gracious of hosts
You may be invited, girl, but you're not coming in

Listen well... will you marry me?
Not now, Boy
Are you well in the Suffering?
You've been the most gracious of hosts
I may be invited, girl, but I'm not coming in

Hey, Hey!
If it was up to me (you had your hold)
I would've figured you out
Way before the year clocked out
Oh, I hope you're waiting

Hey, Hey!
If it was up to me (give up the ghost)
I would've never walked out (Oh where have you been, oh where have you been)
So until the sun burns out (Oh where have you been if it hurts to be forgiving?)
Oh, I hope you're waiting

Listen well... will you marry me?
Not now, Boy
Are you well in the Suffering?
You've been the most gracious of hosts
You may be invited, girl, but you're not coming in

Listen well... will you marry me?
Not now, Boy
Are you well in the Suffering?
You've been the most gracious of hosts
I may be invited, girl, but I'm not coming in

Listen well... will you marry me?
Not now, Boy
Are you well in the Suffering?
You've been the most gracious of hosts
You may be invited, girl, but you're not coming in

Listen well... will you marry me?
Not now, Boy
Are you well in the Suffering?
You've been the most gracious of hosts
I may be invited, girl, but I'm not coming in
And you're not coming in

---

Thanks to Tin, who introduced me to Coheed and Cambria.

ANNOUNCEMENT

My friends, I won't be visiting this site for a time. Just leave a comment on my cbox or text me.

I'm still discerning whether I should delete my blog or not. Either way, I won't be posting the very detailed accounts of the conclusion re the adventures of his highness and me. He requested it himself because it would be very detrimental to his position in his uhm, congregation, kingdom, whatever.

So there. I think a lot of you know what I'm going through and I would like to take this opportunity to thank all the people who have encouraged me, consoled me and counseled me. I appreciate all you've done and I'm really blessed to have friends like you guys.

I'm still lucky to be me, to have my life and well, frankly, to have everything that I have. I just feel so, so blessed.

I'll cry, I know. Pero sabi nga ni Adam Levine, "I've been here before... One day, a week and it won't hurt anymore..." At sabi naman ng Fallout Boy, "Thanks for the memories..."

. . .

Goodbye for now, my friends, comrades, constituents, donors, benefactors, countrymen and megalomaniacs alike.

I'll be back - that I promise.

ang pakiki-ride, maganda rin once in a while

So, officially, eleksyon na. Ay. Bilangan na nga pala. Eto, nanunuod ng TV, sinusubaybayan ang bilangan. Siyempre, kahit di ako registered (Minor pa ako. Unbelievable, ne?) eto ay isa sa mga paraan para makilahok ako sa halalan. Simply by being vigilant.

I'm honestly very proud of many of my friends na nag-may I make a blog entry about elections.

And of course, very, very proud of my bureau sa Kabataan Xpress for coming up with the election special. Naalala ko talaga na tipong sunod-sunod ang shoot nun and talagang inariba ko ang script. Isang upuan lang! Whew! Pero na-accomplishs naman namin and ang dami talaga nagandahan. Nakakakilabot nga daw ang Boses ng Bureau, yung segment na prinoduce ko (w/ Sef) Good work, guys! (Take note: nanghihingi si Randy David ng copy ng ep. Loveit.)

Go lang, kabataang Pilipino! May parte talaga tayo sa eleksyon! Bantayan ang boto!

a reminder of something poignant yet still so beautiful

"I've grown accustomed to her face! She almost makes the day begin! I've grown accustomed to the tune that she whistles night and noon. Her smiles, her frowns, her ups, her downs, are second nature to me now, like breathing out and breathing in... I was serenely independent and content before we met! Surely I could always be that way again...

... But I'm so used to hear her say, "Good morning" every day... Her joys, her woes, her highs, her lows, are second nature to me now, like breathing out and breathing in... I'm very grateful she's a woman, and so easy to forget! Rather like a habit one can always break... And yet... I've grown accustomed to the trace of something in the air... Accustomed... to her... face. "

- Professor Higgins, My Fair Lady

I know you still remember. I still do. I watched the friggin' movie the exact same night! (We had a dvd at home. Lol.)

my 100th post!

Eto nga siya.

At nagkataong ito yung post na wala lang.

Magpapahinga na muna si Mikki. Buong araw na kasi siyang bukas. Pagod na daw siya.

Orayt?

:D

Sheesh, I'm talking to non-living things again.

*shakes head and turns off laptop*

endorsing DAs is like, my fave new hobby

Here are gothic DA works that i like.

Just click on the links.

http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/38217196/

http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/8520720/

http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/28702794/

http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/52191160/

http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/52404496/?qo=4&q=by%3Aavalerion858&qh=sort%3Atime+-in%3Ascraps

http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/54123488/?qo=1&q=by%3Aavalerion858&qh=sort%3Atime+-in%3Ascraps

http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/50015312/?qo=16&q=by%3Aianni490&qh=sort%3Atime+-in%3Ascraps

Puro sketches lang yan. My thanks to Sanchu-Penedelium, Lizeth, Bright-Nature, Ayexist, Jenny and Lia, of course

when you're trying to distract yourself

a man despised his fiancé
and horridly crushed her heart...

on the day of their wedding
the bride pulled her sword and said,
'till death do us part'...

---

I love Jenny. Whoever she may be. Basta alam ko, friend siya ni Lia.

Uber nice sketches, g-tech scribbles and photomanipulations. And the concepts are profound. Morbid, creepy but romantic in a way. Just the way I like it.

Am so endorsing her DA. Here it is: http://avalerion858.deviantart.com/

the magic of copy-paste

Here are some quotes from DC.

Credits go to Bon Bon of Conan's Corner. http://www.angelfire.com/anime2/shinichi/quotes.html

---

"I am Conan Edogawa, a detective..."
-Conan Edogawa

"It is the Ace of Spade that represents Shinichi...I've been holding it in my hands...I believe that Shinichi will be by myside and protect me..."
-Ran Mouri, from The Fourteenth Target

"Ran, if you're going to die, I'm going to be here on the other side here with you..."
-Conan Edogawa, from The Time Bombed Skyscraper

"There is always only one truth.."
-Shinichi Kudo

"Tell Shinichi Kudo that I'm giving him 3 minutes to enjoy it..."
Moriya Teiji, famous architect, from The Time Bombed Skyscraper

"No need to know..."
Conan Edogawa, from Captured in Her Eyes

"No...the branch is going to break...Sorry, Heiji..I'll give my life to you!"
Kazuha Toyama thinks, Book 28 as she stabs the arrow in Heiji's hand

"Kazuha don't move...even if I'll die...I won't let go..."
Heiji Hattori, Book 28 after Kazuha stabs him

"Kazuha, I can promise you that when you're by my side, I won't let anything hurt you..."
Heiji Hattori thinks, Book 28

"I always think that's there a red string that binds me and Shinichi together..."
Ran Mouri, the Time Bombed Skyscraper

"It won't work without the batteries."
Conan Edogawa, the Time Bombed Skyscraper

"A secret is what makes a woman woman."
Jodie Saintemillion, Book 34

in bad need of remedy

So, i like, blog every fifty-seconds and I have no f*cking idea why.

I was happy, then sad, then happy again, now i'm a bit irritated. Good God, I may be going mad like all great geniuses do.

I'm plotting again and good thing my best partner-in-crime is all the way in ... I have no idea.

Or else I may have pushed through with it.

---

Lalalalala

Chie's ol. I miss Chie.

And no one else is ol. Wtf is wrong with people?

---

Mom's day without my mom.

Ah. No comment.

---

I can't continue writing the entries about his highness. I keep crying or laughing every two paragraphs. Sheesh. I really am going mad.

---

I can't write the script either.

---

And I can't dl the eccentric mansion ep of DC.

Dammit.

And where's file 607?

---

Been uploading vids in multiply. Just weird things. Check it out if you want to.

http://www.multiply.com/ernicai

---

Again, as always, I'm reminding everyone that I have a facebook account now. Add me!

Also, don't forget to check out www.probetv.com

Don't forget Knightus' DC site! http://conan.wagnergrp.com

---

I am obviously bored and tired and possibly, stoned.

buti na lang, hindi ako suicidal

Nabanggit sa ika-4 na pelikula ng Detective Conan (Captured in Her Eyes) na ang mga taong lubos-lubos ang pagmamahal sa sarili ay hindi kayang magpakamatay.

For obvious reasons. Duh. Why would you kill someone you love?

Pero minsan pala, kapag kailangan, kapag dapat, kapag tama, gagawin at gagawin mo pa rin.

---

Para akong tanga. Kanina lang, ngiting-ngiti ako, tapos ngayon, umiiyak na naman. Ay mali. Hindi pala parang tanga. Parang baliw. Naalala ko tuloy yung storyang pinabasa sa amin nung 2nd yr. Yung tungkol kay love at madness. Parang legend kasi yun. Origin ng katagang "Love is blind".

Noong unang panahon daw kasi, yung tipong abstract entities katulad ng emotions ay may mga paa at nakakatakbo pa, naglaro daw sa hardin ng malayko ang mga emotions. Hide and Seek! Yahoo! Si "madness" ang taya. Eh dahil madness nga siya, sira-ulo, ayun nagwala at nahanap lahat kagad (hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin gets kung bakit jinustify nung author yung pagiging magaling niya sa hide and seek dahil baliw siya...) So magdidilim na, nahanap na lahat ni madness except si love.

Tapos may nag-tip kay madness na nagtatago daw si love sa rose bushes. At dahil irita na si madness, kumuha siya ng pitch fork or garden fork, pumunta sa rose bushes at pinagtutusok ang bushes. Ayun nandun nga si love! At ang malala d'yan, natamaan siya ng fork at sa mata pa! Ouch! Bulag na siya tuloy!

Nakarating sa Bathala ang nangyari at bilang parusa kay madness, hindi niya hihiwalayan si love para gabayan niya sa paglalakad, etc. In short, instant alila siya ni love.

Ayun. Nice, noh?

Naalala ko rin yung poem na ginawa ko nung second year. Eto yung first stanza:

Love is blind, and accompanied by madness

Love brings joy, but in the end, sadness...

Homangga, bata pa lang ako, ang emo ko na! Baaad.

---

Hay. Totoo pala yun. Nababaliw na ako. Tumatawa lang ako kanina pero ngayon, umiiyak na. Buti na lang hindi pa ako suicidal, kahit sinusuffocate ko kanina ang sarili ko with the uberhumunguoushugebigginormous pillow ng bago naming sofa. Hay.

Pero kaya pa naman. I'm doing this for my own good. I'm doing this for you. We're doing this for us.

Someone just has to die, ne?

Dahil alam nating ito ang kailangan, ang dapat, ang tama. Dahil kung totoong mahal mo ang tao, gagawin mo ang kailangan, ang dapat, ang tama.

Kahit ang ibig sabihin nito ay ang pagpatay mo sa kanya.

---

Umiiyak na naman ako. Considering tinutukso nila akong bato buong HS, ngayon lang talaga ako umiyak ng ganito. Para akong timang.

Gabi-gabi na lang, ganito. Kaya ayoko gumabi eh. Yun kasi yung panahon na kaklaro na ang isip mo. At dahil hindi ka na pwede magbusy-busyhan dahil pagod ka na rin, aandar na nang todo ang utak mo. Mapapaisip ka na nang sobra. Yung mga iniwasan mong isipin ng umaga, yung mga pilit mong tinatabunan ng trabaho sa hapon, lalabas na.

Pero dahil madilim rin ang gabi, wala ka na rin masyadong nakikita. Wala na rin masyadong nakakakita sa'yo at sa ginagawa mo. May kalayaan ka nang ilabas ang mga luha na sinubukan mong ipiid gamit ang mga tawa mo.

Kaya gusto ko rin kapag gabi na. Kasi pwede na ako umiyak.

it's obvious how bitter you are

HOMANGGA!!! (Nino, dapat kasi pina-patent mo na lang yung expression...)

Ulit, ulit.

HOMANGGA!

I still can't comment on people's blogs. Even mine! Gasp! (Notice that I say 'gasp' instead of actually doing it? Thank you, Giggles.)

Fave ko pa naman mag-comment sa sarili kong blog. Tsk. Tsk.

So, anyways, i'm still mourning but inexplicably happy. Because I know he loves me? Hmm. Because I love him too? Because people might be angry at me for it? Hell, yeah! Kidding.

I'm still smiling.

Lalalalala. . .

And I'm not bitching or swearing or whatnot. I miss him badly but knowing stuff (stuff so abstract I can't think of any other name to call it) makes me content. And yeah, Just. Damn. Happy.

---

Fi fi, am writing the entries about his highness. Sheesh, people. I also have a script due tomorrow, okay? I'll upload as soon as I can.

Lalalalala. . .

(Now I have to blame Doreen for this.)

sana naiisip mo na dinidisiplina ko ang sarili ko

Alam mo na ngang dinidisplina ko ang sarili ko, patuloy mo pa rin akong tinitempt. (Di ko alam yung Filipino eh. Xenxa na.) Parusa ito!

Ang bilis ng karma. Badtrip. You're still so hot. Badrip talaga.

as if dissapointments weren't part of my vocabulary

Same here.

Just a remind.

I can't update now. I'm dead tired from screening the apps for KX. (And I was praised by Ate Ros! May makings daw ako ng mem com head! Hoyeah! Haha, nasanay lang siguro ako sa pag-iinterview ng apps for UPJC. :p)

So plugging na rin di ba? Sa mga mahilig magsulat at makialam, SALI NA SA UP JOURNALISM CLUB! Hindi lang kami mga matatalino at super duper talented, super duper hot pa! Nyahahaha!!!

---

Ok. Back to business.

Hindi ako galit sa'yo dahil sweet ka. How can I ever be mad at you for that?

And I've always said that I understood you. And yeah, I still do. Maglagay ka man ng kakaibang disclaimer d'yan, magegets ko pa rin yun. Bakit? E tungkol sa'tin yun di ba?

---

Bitin na ba kayo sa nangyari sa'min ni my highness?

I bet tumingin na rin siya sa blog ko pero sorry, wala pa ako sa mood magsulat. I'm dead tired from screening, interviewing apps and my eyes still swell from crying. Hindi ko makita tinytype ko. As in. Maga siya.

Anyhoo, here's a sneak peak for my collective blog entries that will follow... (All about his highness. Ang climax. Ang... basta.)

"... That's the only way I can watch. If I'm watching from afar, if I'm watching from a distance." he said and I started to feel light-headed.

He sighed. "You can tell people that I died or something... I can't be your highness anymore. His highness has to die."

So there! Exciting, ne? So a must na abangan niyo ang kapana-panabik na karugtong sa aking napaka-kontrobersyal na buhay!!!

whahappened?!?

I lost my ability to...

(No, Giggles, this does not concern unicorns at all. And no, they don't exist! But I find them fascinating.)

Anyways, yeah. (?!)

I lost my ability to comment on blogs. I've no idea why.

Really. There's this sign in thinggy and when I click on it, nothing happens!!!

What's wrong?! Just when I started having fun with blogs. Tss.

---

Well, today was fun. Tiring but fun. Ate Aloy, our former bureau manager, surprised us with chocolates and hard questions re sex. Chocolates and sex. Mmm...

I kind of kept mum about certain topics. I'm still getting used to speaking out and stuff. I know I should have used the venue for practice, it's just that I'm still kind of scared. Yeah, maybe it's that.

I'm just not ready to elucidate on details, swear.

And I still don't know where I stand on certain topics.

So I'll keep mum for a while. Just for a while, swear and when I've gathered enough confidence, I'll speak out.

comic relief

And so his majesty, the royal highness, finally admits that he reads my blog! (dati pa daw and recently nyahahahaha)

Kinikilig daw siya (sabay hug, kiss at tanong kung masyado na ba daw s'yang malandi. Ay. Hindi rin.)

So ngayon naman ay random thoughts uli tayo! Loveit! Game!

---

My bro just got circumcized! (Tama ba spelling? Or 's' ba dapat?) Nyahahahaha!

He was wailing like a banshee when he got home! Seriously! And he didn't stop until we moved the PS2 and the living room's TV beside his bed. Oh, and he's going to be bought like a truckload of new games. What. A. Brat.

When I had my period, my mom just bought me napkin. See how sexist my family is?

---

Zanti and I were talking about films in general. I remembered my film100 days. They seem so long ago. . .

---

Doreen's bro also got circumcised. (Ayan tama na ba or minali ko pa?) Baby bros are so whiny. Don't they know how painful dysmenorrhea is? And do they have any idea the excruciating pain we have to endure while we have our monthly visitor?

Oh, wait! Here comes Nicko, my youngest bro, to the rescue!

"Nino, kung alam mo lang, mas mahirap yung maging babae! Tayo isang tuli lang, sila buwan-buwan dinudugo at manganganak pa! Maswerte na tayo!" he said.

Really, when will he be canonized?

---

Bea said he checked out his highness here.
And now she has a new ol crush!

---

Homangga! Napapa-"ne" ko na siya. Oh no. Is this my influence on him? I should tell him to cut back on the manga.

---

AT NGAYON, ANG KAPANA-PANABIK NA KX KATANUNGAN!

Haha. Joke.

Nagka-idea naman ako dahil sa comment ni ate Anj. Parang blind item daw ang blog ko. Loveit.

Sige may prize ang makakahula who they think his highnes is. Nyahahaha!!! Makakatanggap kayo ng KX goodies (na ninakaw sa office?) este, basta may prize kayo!

Bawal sumali ang mga may alam na. Alam niyo na kung sino kayo.

Grabe iba na ang trip ko sa buhay!

---

Yeah blame his highness for not revealing his identity.

I was actually coaxing him na okay lang naman if people find out but he said, "I'm just not ready for people to ask me 'Kamusta na kayo ni Nicai?'..." Hay. Payn. HIndi naman illegal ginagawa namin. Ay teka, minor pa pala ako. But STILL!

Hay.

Think of us as superheroes daw. Like Shinichi hiding the fact that he's Conan.

Kamusta naman ang gamitin ang favorite manga/anime char ko? Ano 'to? Feel ko tuloy binabata niya ako.

"Isipin mo na lang, ham yan!"

"Ham nga!"

Bah-humbug.

Howell, always wanted to be a superhero/detective/secret agent/NOC.

And last time i checked, he also did!

PS Bring on the shrink chair! Fulfillment of frustarted childhood dreams na ito!

a different kind of understanding

for those who don't know who his highness is, you better not be reading my blog unless you want nightmares and migraines (notice that i said "and" and not "or"? notice that both words are in plural form?)

not a lot of people can understand what we're going through. what we have isn't even a conventional type of relationship, after all. and we started out kind of... let's not talk about that. what we have maybe something society is not ready for. we've gone through hell and purgatory and heaven and back again. yeah, daig pa si dante alighieri.

i'm actually glad na nasasabayan niya takbo ng utak ko. he is smart, after all. and i've always looked up to him. and when my friends and i are talking about guys, i'm glad i can talk about him as some kind of good example (communication-wise, etc.) as much as he acts like a kid, he's mature, really. he can be as guy bitchy as he wants to be but i feel the sincerity in everything that he does. and yeah, i'm glad that he's just there.

while i am confused with what i feel for him, i think he is too. as he said, maybe we're just too scared to admit it, maybe we cared for each other a little too much than we should...

but what are we, really?

what do i want him to be in the future? frankly said, i really don't see us married either. maybe really, really good friends. special friends. the kind of friend that - sheesh, i can't go on.

maybe some other post.

when moments of clarity and confusion clash

Nicai: yeah so answer my Qs

His highness: ano uli yun?

Nicai: what am i to you?

Nicai: what am i to your life/ what do i do to you?

Nicai: what do you want me to be in the future?

His highess: sana isa isa lang

His highness: di kasi ako bionic eh

His highness: which one goes first?

Nicai: ikaw basta sagutin mo lahat

His highness: Who you are to me?

Nicai: yeah something like that

His highness: You're my Nicai. You used to be just my (edited, edited, erased, erased for identity protection reasons). Now,you're a friend. No a special friend. We share secrets and get to know each other deeper that what others know about us. You are a little more of a friend and a little less of a girlfrin

His highness: *girl friend

BUZZ!!!

His highness: Sorry na ddc eh

Nicai: oks lng

Nicai: :p

Nicai: aand? di mo pa sinasagot lahat. . .

Nicai: sana yan yung cinomment mo sa friendster, di ba?

His highness: What are you to my life? You're my temptation, my earthly escape and my sinful conscience, bwahahahaha

His highness: What do I want you to do in the future?

BUZZ!!!

Nicai: haaaaaaaaaaaay....

Nicai: yeah answer that

His highness: I dont want you to die early and I want to see you grow in beauty and be the lady that you're supposed to be. I know that we're not going to end up as a wedded couple but I want to screen him and see if he'd fit you.

His highness: Ok na?

Nicai: .....

Nicai: :((

His highness: Not what you were expecting, ne?

Nicai: nah im just touched

snippets from that pivotal day

Characters: his highness, me

Setting: Welcome Rotonda, footbridge

I started singing the Kaitou KID song I made up (the melody was of Barbie Girl’s) as we were crossing the footbridge. Oh yeah, and I was doing the dance move. Yeah, in a public place. With his highness. So there I was, singing and twirling like some madman. (At least I was in tune)

“I’m a phantom thief in Detective Co – OW!”

I rubbed the part of my arm where he had pinched me. Seriously, it really hurted. I narrowed my eyes and spat, “What was that for?!”

“You told me to pinch you when you start acting crazy!”

I pouted. “I wasn’t – OW!!!”

Another pinch.

“Para san – OW!!! MASAKIT KAYA!!!”

“That’s a reminder not to do anything crazy.” He said with that proverbial smirk.

Characters: his highness, me

Setting: Philcoa, Jollibee

I wasn’t feeling well. And as usual, I was ranting.

“Masakit pa rin tiyan ko. Malay. Parang gutom pa rin ako. Nabigla siguro kasi hindi ako nag-dinner last night.” I went.

“Hey,” said his highness and then he mouthed, “Are you pregnant?”

I raised a brow. “NO!”

He smiled and mouthed, “Want to be?”

I’m not sure if I kicked his shin but we were laughing after that.

Characters: His Highness, me

Setting: UP Diliman, Vinzons

I was singing the Conan song this time (to the tune of BINGO)

“There is a teenage heisei Holmes and Conan is his name-o! C-O-N-A-N! C-O-N-A-N! C-O-N-A-N and Conan is his name-o!”

And his highness, being his usual, mocking, guy bitchy self changed the lyrics.

“M-O-R-O-N! L-O-S-E-R! N-I-C-A-I and Nicai is her name-o!”

Characters: His highness, me

Setting: Plaridel Hall, oh shit wag na lang ‘tong entry na ‘to. Location pa lang, buko na eh hahaha

Characters: His highness, me

Setting: UP Diliman, AS aka Palma Hall, 4^th floor, dun sa mga may table

After long, heavy sighs, a longer conversation, drama, comedy, a lot of crying but a whole lot more epiphanies, we were tired and badly need to go home. He was late for an activity and it’s getting a bit dark for me to commute home.

He was sitting on the table and I was lying down on it. He warned me not to lie down since people would think we were up to something but I badly needed to lie down onto something. Where’s the freaking shrink lounge chair when you needed it?

“Mukha kang na-rape… Ayusin mo nga damit mo.” He said as he pulled up the collar of my shirt and fixed my sleeves.

“Ano yang nasa buhok at mukha mo?” I sat up to cover my scar.

“Hindi yang sugat mo. Yung mga – ”

“Oh, tissue.” I said and instantly, his fingers started picking the bits of tissue residue on my hair, cheeks, lashes.

Then he started going on about… oh geez, I’m not really sure now but it’s something like he wants me to get better and stuff like that.

“’Cause I care about you.” He said, squeezing my left arm. And he smiled.

- -

More from that series of conversations

“Blame that book” said his highness as he pointed to the thin, propaganda material – I mean, book, in his bag. “The book said marry your friend, not your lover.”

He probably saw that the last statement ignited some sort of fear in me. Am not sure if it showed on my face or he just felt it.

“I’m not saying that I’m gonna marry you, you don’t believe in marriage di ba?” he said and went to explain some more but I guess I wasn’t listening anymore.

Sigh. Marriage – something I know I could never have/experience/want.

Characters: His highness, me

Setting: En route central (that part of UP near Vanguard)

“You’re the complete package, you know that?” he said and he started enumerating things that I’d rather not post here.

“Uuh… Thanks?” I said after his soliloquy.

“You’re every pervert’s dream. Of course, I’m not.”

“Too bad you aren’t. Or…”

This snippet is turning R18 so I guess I’d rather not continue this. Sorry, readers.

Characters: His highness, me

Setting: In the bus going home

We were cuddling.

“You won’t say it, but I can feel it.” He said.

“What?”

“You love me.”

I smiled and hugged him tighter.

Later that night, I thought, maybe I do.

a hero tainted, broken

George Gordon, Lord Byron, the youngest person ever to have a seat in the upper house of Britain's parliament, is probably one of my most favorite historical figures. He's a prolific writer, a Romanticist and, frankly said, bisexual.

He was a rebel since his early years, saved girls in sacks, had affairs with anything fuck-able. How can I not like him?

Okay, here's one of the poems he wrote:

She walks in beauty, like the night   
   Of cloudless climes and starry skies;   
And all that 's best of dark and bright   
   Meet in her aspect and her eyes:   
Thus mellow'd to that tender light         
   Which heaven to gaudy day denies.   
One shade the more, one ray the less,   
   Had half impair'd the nameless grace   
Which waves in every raven tress,   
   Or softly lightens o'er her face;   
Where thoughts serenely sweet express   
   How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.   

And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,   
   So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,   
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,   
   But tell of days in goodness spent,   
A mind at peace with all below,   
   A heart whose love is innocent!

Nice, ne? The title is She Walks in Beauty. Grabe, nakaka-relate ako. Nyahahaha!

just because i can

...

I love pointless blog entries like these!

...

I know you do too!

;)

e may magagawa pa ba ako?

Andrama ng last entry ko, noh? Yun sana isusubmit ko sa lit folio haha kaso kulang yung details ng story eh.

Ang badtrip walang nag-react. Ay, meron. Pasensya na, Doreen.

It was fiction, obviously. Based from real events? Hmm, not really. Well it's just that i've always been fascinated with open letters (yeah and this intensified as i read Gabriel Garcia Marquez's Memories of my Melancholy Whores) I mean, just that power to say whatever you want and not care because the whole world doesn't even know who you're writing for. And that air of mystique and enigma you create is just... enthralling, somehow. And i happen to be a person who likes to keep others guessing.

Lately, i've been noticing that some blog entries of my friends were starting to sound like open letters.

So i drew inspiration from that. :D

You guys thought it was real, noh? Needs polishing a bit. Hmm, baka iba na lang isubmit ko. Maybe i'll keep this one for myself.

dahil uso ang ganitong klaseng entries

Oo, yung tipong directed sa isang tao. Tapos biglang mapapaisip ka, ako ba ang tinutukoy ng uhuging ito? Tapos ang mas malala pa d'yan, pag marami siyang characters sa entry niya. Grabe na ang dramatis personae! Pipigain mo talaga utak mo at gagamitin ang lahat ng natutunang detective - este, deduction skills sa panunuod ng Detective Conan para bigyan ng mukha at pangalan ang animo'y mga espiritung binanggit sa sinabing entry.

Hindi lang nosebleed ang abot mo, pati sore eyes, brain freeze at singaw!

O sige, ngayon "gaganti" ako.

Hindi ako masaya ngayon. Sinabi ko lang, "peaceful", meaning nakita ko na ang logic sa mga payo na binigay mo, pina-memorize sa akin ng religion teacher ko, sinermon ng mga magulang ko. Alam ko kasi na may pinanggalingan lahat ng sinabi mo - dahil alam ko na ang buhay mo dahil sinabi mo, nakita ko sa mga mata mo, naramdaman ko sa mga halik mo. At dahil d'yan, mas pinaniwalaan kita.

Totoo, plano ko magbago. Nakita at naamin ko na ang mga mali sa ugali, gawain at buhay ko. Oo, malaki ang pasasalamat ko sa'yo dahil ikaw na rin ang nagtulak sa akin para baguhin ang mga dapat baguhin.

Ngunit isa lamang yung aspeto ng gusto kong pagbabago sa buhay ko. Alam mo na ang pangalawa. Tinanong mo ako - naalala mo pa ba? Di kita nasagot noon dahil totoong di pa ako sigurado sa sagot. Pero nahinuha ko rin na naiba ang ibig sabihn ng salita na yun, dulot na rin ng ibang mga natanto sa mga nakalipas na araw.

Sa susunod na magkita tayo, hindi ko nangangakong magiging masaya ako dahil ngayon pa lamang ay nagdudusa na ako. Sapat na siguro na nasimulan ko na ang pagbabago pero ang pag-iwas sa isa't isa ay pagtakas lamang sa solusyon sa isa sa aking mga problema.

At paninindigan ko ang sinabi ko. Ayokong maging kapantay lang ng ibang babae sa buhay mo, at mas lalong ayokong may kahati ako sa'yo. Sobrang sakit kahit naiisip ko lang na may iba kang kinakausap o may iba kang tinitignan. Tawagin mo na itong pagiging madamot pero sinasabi ko lang ang totoo. Tinuruan mo akong sabihin ang aking nasa isip nang walang pag-aalinlangan kaya ito mismo ang ginagawa ko ngayon.

Kaya kong isakripisyo ang bisyo ko, kung ito ang kahilingan mo. Ngunit kung ako naman ang humiling sa'yo, sigurado naman akong hindi mo ito kayang gawin. Hindi naman kasi ako sigurado sa nararamdaman mo sa akin. Oo, may pag-aalala, may pag-unawa, may pagkalinga, may kakaibang kasiyahan kapag magkasama tayo... pero may pag-ibig ba?

Yuck, parang ang korni pakinggan pero ito naman talaga ang kulang, di ba? Kung hindi mo man kayang ibigay ito, malamang hindi ko rin maiibibigay, dahil, una, matigas ang ulo ko at hindi ako nagpapatalo, at pangalawa, takot pa rin ako.

Pagtapos ng isang buwan (kung matagalan nga natin) at makita kitang may kasamang iba o mabalitaan kong may iba ka na, payn. Pinapangako kong hindi ako magiging masaya. Sinisiguro ko na sa'yo ngayon pa lang na iiyak ako, magwawala at magplaplano nang masama (na maaring hindi ko ituloy. depende sa mood ko). Alam mo na ang tinutukoy ko.

Kasi, kahit hindi man kita sinagot, ikaw bwisit ka, sana ay naisip mo na rin at naramdaman nga ng puso mo na oo, mahal na nga kita!

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disclaimer: kung feeling mo, para sa'yo ang entry na ito, tumawag lang sa 1-800-mahal-yata-ako-ni-nicai. kapag may sumagot sa'yo, ibaba mo kagad kasi malamang minumulto ka na dahil inimbento ko lang ang number na yan

PS nakakahawa ka magsulat

what i'm telling friends now

here are snippets of what i'm telling my friends now...

"danz, just because you were hurt the last time doesn't mean it won't work out for the next. wag tau magmarunong sa mga mangyayari sa'tin. only He knows. trust Him kasi He trusts us even when we lost all trust in ourselves"

"yan ang sinabi niya sa'kin nung thurs. bsta ha dthis life-changing talk w/ him last thurs. btw, super cynical ako about love rin dati. i mean super fucked up yung life ko. you guys have no idea.. pero he changed my perception about love, he took "love" to a completely different level"

"tnx. :D dnt worry, sef. ur being tested as was i (or maybe ts not over yet..hmm) but dnt worry, you'll find your way back to Him (whaw religious na talaga ako. iloveit)"

"hmm ts ur decision. whatever you think would make u not just feel better but change for the better. bsta ako suportahan kta sa kng ano man ang maapagdesisyunan mo"

"the great? nyahaha hindi nmn. i was just enlightened and i want to share my epiphanies with you guys although im not asking you to agree,bnabahagi lng ang nalaman dhl bak amakatulong nmn sa inyo"

---

whaw grabe talaga epekto sa'kin ng last thurs. kahapon pa acko actually nagdadrama eh. i dunno. i'm so filled with peace and enightenment na i feel like bursting and just telling everyone about it. which is good, right? i guess i'm really built for media, esp when it comes to disseminating information. communication is one of my assets pero ang difference ng before and after thurs ay dati, i used to speak in this voice na i don't know who's really speaking pero now, i know where it's coming from and i have the confidence to say it with conviction. i have found my voice and for the first time in many years, they coincide with my words and with my thought.

thanks to him and most especially, Him.

i imagine his highness singing this song

Makes Me Wonder

Maroon5

[Verse]
I wake up with blood-shot eyes
Struggled to memorize
The way it felt between your thighs
Pleasure that made you cry
Feels so good to be bad
Not worth the aftermath, after that
After that
Try to get you back

[Bridge]
I still don't have the reason
And you don't have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a fuck about you

[Chorus]
Give me something to believe in
Cause I don't believe in you anymore
Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to try
(Yeah)
So this is goodbye

[Verse]
Got them resting in my head
Decisions that made my bed
Now I must lay in it
And deal with things I left unsaid
I want to dive into you
Forget what you're going through
I get behind, make your move
Forget about the truth

[Bridge]
I still don't have the reason
And you don't have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a fuck about you

[Chorus]
Give me something to believe in
Cause I don't believe in you anymore
Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference,
It even makes a difference to try
And it's over, hurt the feeling
But I don't believe it's true anymore
Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to cry
(Oh no)
So this is goodbye

[Breakdown]
I've been here before
One day a week
And it won't hurt anymore
You caught me in a lie
I have no alibi
The word is set on how to mean me
Cause

[Bridge]
I still don't have the reason
And you don't have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a fuck about you
And I...and so this is goodbye

[Chorus]
Give me something to believe in
Cause I don't believe in you anymore
Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference,
It even makes a difference to try
And it's over, hurt the feeling
But I don't believe it's true anymore
Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to cry
(Oh no)
So this is goodbye
So this is goodbye, yeah [x3]
(Oh no)

---

teka kinakanta nga pala namin ito one time nyahahaha

snippets from a conversation with his highness

characters: his highness, me

venue: AS, fourth floor, around 5pm.

---

"You're really pretty..." suddenly said his highness. I replied with but a smirk.

"And hot..." he continued saying, as he prodded my thighs. "And sexy..."

I was smiling widely now.

He shook his head. "Get away from me!"

:D

up, off and away!

UP

I'm up and it's like 8 in the morning. i'm not setting a good example for my bros. doi. it's summer. who the f*** wakes up at 8 in the morning?! seriously? noon is the time agreed upon by the people in the geneva convention. :D

---

Hey, i've been reading my old posts (so pathetic. who reads her own blog!?) and i've noticed that i have matured in terms of blogging. Hurrah!!! So from now on, i'll try to write with correct capitalizations. I swear. Like this. Still like fragments but i guess that's okay. Maybe I'll learn to blog using complete sentences when I have matured enough or something like that.

---

OFF

I'm off to gateway later! With my HS friends! Yay! Wala lang. Masaya lang makita silang muli.

Ang saya nung sunday! As in! After namin magbadminton, napagtripan namin na paglaruan yung mga equipments. Like, yung panlinis ata sa bubong at pangkuha ng mga bola este, shuttlecocks (tama ba spelling?) na na-stuck sa bubong! Ginawa naming 10-seater broomstick hehehehe. Kasi may walis yun sa dulo di ba?

I've invited his highness for badminton din (since kilala niya na ang ibang HS friends ko) and he said, "kelan?". Nyahahaha. Wala lang. Gumagaling na ako mag-badminton! (Huh? Anong connection ng first sentence sa second?) Anyways, gusto daw niya ng change of envi so ayun i suggested going to far-off places and engaging himself in new activities. Di ba? Kaya ito, nagmamalasakit lang :D

AWAY

I'll be visiting UP for the next few days! I'll be sitting in some of my blockmates' classes and dropping by the tambayan

*stops*

*cries*

THE TAMBAYAN!!!

*cries*

Dinemolish na daw siya!!!

*cries*

All my memories!

My sleeping station!

My tambakan of gamits!

Where i can park Mikki!

My sanctuary for the last sem!

*cries*

Howell, feeling ko kasi being in the tambayan would be a temptation and seeing it or being in it would remind me of certain incidentsokay hindi siya incidents kasi plinano siya di ba? Anyways, going back to the original discussion, so ayun baka better na rin na wala siya as sign of moving on. Teka, that's not the right term. Let's see. As a sign of new life? Moving on kasi parang may nagbreak or whatever eh that didn't happen naman hehehe. . .

So. Anyways. Wag kayo magugulat kung biglang sumulpot ako sa likod niyo habang bumibili kayo ng lunch or merienda. Siyempre, as usual, nagpapalibre :D Wag niyo akong tanggihan dahil di niyo pala alam, nagka-super powers pala ako this vacation at bigla ko na lang sabihin na, "Dahil sa busilak mong kalooban, isang kahilingan ang bibigyan kong katuparan!"

Di ba?

:)