between letting go and moving on

For more madrama lang na title...

Mamaya ko na ito ieedit. Marami ako binabasa. Grabe, ka-lss talaga yung bagong kanta ng FOB. Loveit. It's so bagay!

you say this song suits me? more like, us, really...

Baby, seasons change but people don't.
And I'll always be waiting in the back room.
I'm boring but overcompensate with
Headlines and flash, flash, flash photography.

But don't pretend you ever forgot about me.
Don't pretend you ever forgot about me.

Wouldn't you rather be a widow than a divorcee?
Style your wake for fashion magazines.
Widow or a divorcee?
Don't pretend, d-d-d-don't pretend.

We don't fight fair!
We don't fight fair!

They say your head can be a prison.
Then these are just conjugal visits.
People will dissect us till
This doesn't mean a thing anymore.

Don't pretend you ever forgot about me.
Don't pretend you ever forgot about me.

Wouldn't you rather be a widow than a divorcee?
Style your wake for fashion magazines.

Widow or a divorcee?
Don't pretend, d-d-d-don't pretend.

We do it in the dark with smiles on our faces.
We're trapped and well concealed in secret places, woah.
We do it in the dark with smiles on our faces.
We're trapped and well concealed in secret places
We don't fight fair!
We don't fight fair!
We don't fight fair!
We don't fight fair!
We don't fight fair!

We do it in the dark with smiles on our faces.
We're dropped and well concealed in secret places, woah.
We do it in the dark with smiles on our faces.
We're dropped and well concealed in secret places.
We don't fight fair!
With smiles on our faces.
We're dropped and well concealed in secret places.
We don't fight fair!

Don't pretend you ever forgot about me.
We don't fight fair!
Don't pretend you ever forgot about me.
We don't fight fair!

-THE TAKE OVER, THE BREAK'S OVER-

FOB

---

May I just say that it's very apt. Haha you're so right.

---

Watch the vid of this song here.

meet mary angela

072507

1330

Doreen, Pet, Ronin and I were at the grandstand and while Ronin was deciding if he would bitch-bash, Doreen asked quite a strange question.

"Pet! Pet! Pag bibigyan mo si Ronin ng bagong name, ano iyon?"

"Edgar." Pet laughed. "Pwede ring Dennis! O Gio!"

We all laughed. Then, it was my turn.

"Angela." She said and I thought, wtf? May parallelism ba dito? Lol.

"Sounds so virginal." said Doreen. "Hindi bagaaay!"

"Mary!" exclaimed Pet. "Mary Angela!!!"

Geez. So there. I have a new name.

Btw, Doreen now goes by Lianne and Pet's Victoria. So ayun. Ayan na ang mga bago naming pangalan.

---

PS watched The Simpsons movie a while ago. Laugh trip siya. If you're depressed, stressed or just want to undress (I'm kidding, lol) just grab a friend (Preferably a hot one from the opposite sex; Now that explains the undressing.... Kidding!) and watch this movie. Pampasaya talaga siya.

A reminder to all boys and girls: Please do turn off your mobile phones while watching. While it may distract other viewers, unwanted and unexpected overseas call may also disrupt your viewing pleasure. Thank You.

and this is the second time! geez!

Someone hacked into my account... again! Geez. Well, give and take.

*long sigh*

This has happened before, actually. Never really caught the evildoers who were responsible. I'm betting it's the CIA. Lol. They're still a bit mad about the HP7 thing, aren't they?

after the dark ages of "i don't know"

I have no effing idea what happened to friendster blogs yesterday. I have no effing idea at all. So, I blogged at multiply instead! And it was fun, fun fun! Andaming features like there's a poll, etc. And mas fun dun kasi wala kang takas. Pag viniew mo page ng isang tao, or isang specific post, lagot ka. Kasi walang invi mode dun. Bwahahaha! And it gives you an idea of who your readers are.

So, eto po ang multiply site ko!

Sagutin niyo yung poll ah!

<-- Kami ni Freya nung debut ni Abi sa Gazebo Royale. Di ko pa nauupload mga scavenged pix eh. Di pa kumpleto. Kaya eto, mga previews muna.

Ay. Blurred. Korni. Hahaha. My goodness, sige nga! Hanapin nyo kung asan ako jan! 

Naalala ko lang, nung nagsimula ng paganahin yung mist machine (na nasa taas lang ng table namin) kala ko napenetrate na ng ulan yung bubong (it looked flimsy, really) so nilabas ko na yung payong ko. And my classmates were like, "NOOOOO, NICAAAAAAI! YUNG MIST MACHINE YUN!" sabay turo sa taas. At ayun nga ang mist machine. Kasi, bakit pa nagtransform sa liquid form yung mga iba eh. Nanisi? Hahaha!

---

Ang saya lang talaga lately. Wala na ang stress. I feel that my life is back on track.

Ah, btw, iniiendorse ko nga pala ang blog ni Pet. Nakakatawa talaga sya, as in. Naririnig ko nga boses nya habang binabasa ko eh. Tsaka may mga entries dun na napapakanta na lang ako ng, "Memories, all along in the moonlight!" Ay. Mali ba lyrics? Sige, "Thnks fr th mmrs" na lang. Haha. Medyo reminisce mode nga ako kahapon. Nakakamiss din kahit papaano pero I won't give up what I have right now for what I had back then. Di ba di ba di ba? :D

transmorgrification

I'm happy to say that I'm very much happy (lol, redundant) and very much in love. Took me a while to realize things. I've never felt so loved before, really...

He calls me love. He calls me princess. He promised never to leave me and I never felt so much secure. He never breaks a promise, after all. He is amazing. He is wonderful. He is everything I ever wanted and more.

I would like to share with you guys our song.

---

"Everything You Want"

-Vertical Horizon-

Somewhere there's speaking
It's already coming in
Oh and it's rising at the back of your mind
You never could get it
Unless you were fed it
Now you're here and you don't know why

But under skinned knees and the skid marks
Past the places where you used to learn
You howl and listen
Listen and wait for the
Echoes of angels who won't return

[Chorus]
He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why

You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say

[Chorus]

But you'll just sit tight
And watch it unwind
It's only what you're asking for
And you'll be just fine
With all of your time
It's only what you're waiting for

Out of the island
Into the highway
Past the places where you might have turned
You never did notice
But you still hide away
The anger of angels who won't return

[Chorus]
I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why
And I don't know why
Why
I don't know

it's one of those pointless posts again. sheesh

I'm currently waiting for my photographers to upload the pictures taken from our shoot at Gazebo Royale yesterday.

But I have this feeling that they're still all asleep. Tsk tsk tsk. Must be all that wine.

:D

I'm still so happy! I love my new model/actress life.

probably my first ever entry that narrates my day

This is probably one of the looooongest days I had so far. I. Can. Remember.

It started out last Friday, really. Went to my Film112 class at one, went home at exactly four, got all dressed up for the requiem mass of Mrs. Pascua and flew to STC around five.

I looked so respectable. I swear. I even almost forgot that I'm this evil, evil queen of deception. Anyways, everyone there was like, "Oh, you grew up so fast!" and "Dalaga ka na!" and "Gumaganda ah! Buti na lang, di nagmana sa nanay"... But the most common comment wasn't a comment at all, rather, a peck or a squeeze in the cheeks. And yes, they all did say that I grew up beautifully. (Wag po tayo mayabangan; Nagnanarrate lang po)

All my GS teachers were there and so were my HS teachers. Was happy to see, well, everyone, actually. All of the teachers and alumnae made me feel like I'm home again and made me remember who I was and all.

Around nine that night, we went to Razons Banawe for dinner and I paid for my meal. (My mom forgot to bring money! Gah!)

We went home around ten and I stayed up all night online, talking to Doreen (loves her, really) Ivy, BA, Judd, Keisei, Aileen and other people. Slept at two.

---

Next day, woke up at six. Slept again.

Woke up at seven. Slept again.

Woke at eight. Shouted loungs out and started to panic and frantically stuffed two "change outfits" for the events that I would attend.

Arrived around half past nine at STC for the STAA (St. Theresa's Alumnae Association) General Assembly. I was the batch representative for '06 and was the youngest alumna. I discovered that Ronnie Velasco, director and writer for the movie, Inang Yaya, was a Theresian. The director for the Cinemalaya entry, Still Life, was also a Theresian. Cecile Guidote-Alvarez, founder of PETA, was also a Theresian. Owner or Jollibee Banawe was also a Theresian. Grabe. Parang soro ang STAA. We're everywhere talaga!!!

And knowing about all these people reaffirmed my belief in myself. I too can make a difference in this world. As a Theresian, I should let my let shine and be a blessing. Tagline e! hehehe

Oh yeah, may website na ang STAA.

Meeting ended at half past twelve. (Won in the raffle! Won a book entitled Biyaheng FX! Author, who's also a Theresian, signed it! Yay!)

Took a taxi with Ate Frances, batch rep of '02, to the office. Arrived at office at exactly one. Had the focus group discussion with Ate Aloy, our former bureau manager and also, with Bea Lee, Anj, Hanna. Topic was about sex and the church. (At may isyu pa na late dumating ang inorder naming lunch from Chowking!)

Finished FGD around three. Bea went home, leaving Ate Astrid, Hanna and I to shoot. So around four, we went around the CP Garcia playground and started MOS-ing people. Wow. Ang dali hatakin ng mga tao that day! Amazing talaga! Tapos we went to Vinzons, where Hanna took a jeep to meet with her Aunt sa Crossings. So it was just me and Ate Astrid who met Pet at Vanguard for the interview.

Around five, we interviewed Pet at the hall near Cine Adarna. We finished in an hour and went back to the office.

We unpacked, I put some make-up on and went to Philcoa an hour later, where K.Lim was waiting for me. She took me to Gazebo Royale. This was where Abi's debut was celebrated.

---

The Gazebo Royale was... magical? Well, the theme was magic and the table names were spells from HP. My table was Expelliarmus. Lol. Hya wanted to sit at the Avada Kedavra table. And she did! :D

Had mighty good fun with HS friends. Only one thing pissed me off - it was a formal attire debut and I was wearing semi-formal. Sheesh, why am I always a victim of dress codes? Ay, tsaka yung emcee kept mispornouncing HP terms and people's names. And I happen to notice that she's very fond of the word "lovely". Like, "... now let's meet her lovely brother, her lovely mom, her lovely sister.. isn't it lovely? Oh now let's applaud this lovely lady. Now, this lovely gift..." ROFLMAO.

Anyways, for some strange reason, had more fun than usual. Felt so at peace. It's nice. It's kinda like HS all over again.

Was part of 18 shots. Drank wine. Woohoo! Di ako nalasing, infernez. Tas became a proxy for Ashley who went home early. After the debut, photoshoot uli! Loveit. Loveit. Loveit.

It was half past midnight when I came home. Nakisabay kay Freya pauwi. Ang saya talaga. This is one of the loveliest days ever. Lovely, lovely, lovely. (nakakahawa yung emcee na yun! babatukan ko talaga yun! XD)

this song fits you more than it fits me

I adore Fallout Boy. So, here's another testimony that they know me personally. . .

Er, must cut back on the hallucinogens. Righto!

---

"Fame < Infamy"

I’m a preacher sweating in the pews
For the salvation I’m bringing you
I’m a salesman, I’m selling you hooks and plans
And myself making demands

When I’m home alone I just dance by myself
And you pull my head so close volume goes with the truth
Signing off "I’m alright in bed but I’m better with a pen"
The kid was alright but it went to his head

I am God’s gift but why would he bless me with
Such wit without a conscience equipped
I’m addicted to the way I feel when I think of you, woah
"There's too much green to feel blue"

When I’m home alone I just can’t stop myself
And you pull my head so close volume goes with the truth
Signing off "I’m alright in bed but I’m better with a pen"
The kid was alright but it went to his head

When I’m home alone I just can’t stop myself
And you pull my head so close volume goes with the truth
Signing off "I’m alright in bed but I’m better with a pen"
I’m alright in bed but I’m better with a pen
I’m alright in bed but I’m better with a pen
The kid was alright but it went to his head

of ice creams and sugar-coated marshmallows

Sense doesn't make sense lately.

---

Had a trip back to the past. It was fun, actually. Saw some people again and it's kind of refreshing for everybody to treat you exactly how you want to be treated.

---

HP is love. I forgive you, Dan. The kiss was totally just part of your job. I'll take you back now. Be my prince again.

---

I feel so... I have no idea. I blame the five bottles of Valium I basically snacked upon the past few days.

O.o

Kidding!

---

What happened this morning was very cleansing. I'll be doing it again and I'll get through the day. I just know it.

(What this is, feel free to comment and I'll gladly reply. Personally.)

---

Friday the thirteenth, here I come.

---

Contrapasso is one of my favorite words. In my world, it is a noun, an adjective, a verb and a sentence by itself.

Contrapasso means counter-suffering.

Contrapasso is self retribution.

I was wrong; I am my own contrapasso.

avoiding cracks, playing hopscotch on thin ice and living in between volcanoes

A bit of update: yes, I'm still alive. At least that's what I think. After selling my soul to the devil incarnate, I have finally emerged out of purgatorio. I have completed my contra passo and have outwitted the guardian of the light to allow me into heaven.

---

Here's my latest blog post on multiply. I love the way I wrote it.

http://ernicadarkchoco.multiply.com/journal/item/23

Feel free to comment. I need consoling, really. Special thanks to Josie and Kia who treated me ice cream and told me things I needed to hear. Yes, He is amazing.

---

And here's some shots I took from the adult-ish movie we filmed a while ago. It's starring me, of course. The flighty seductress.

It was fun, scary but I was game. Bring it on.

http://ernicadarkchoco.multiply.com/photos/album/69

PS I hope I can upload the vid on my multiply site some time. Let's just see.

ako naman ang gagawa ng konbersasyon

Bakit ka na naman umiiyak? Kaw talaga oh! Ayan ka na naman eh. Pero sige, labas mo lang yan. Kesa naman mabigat na naman yung nararamdaman mo at nakatulala ka na naman sa kawalan.

Buti na lang at sabi naman ng mga tao ay parang wala lang daw sa'yo. Kung alam lang nila... Haaay.

Ayokong nakikita kang nasasaktan. Karapat-dapat kang maging masaya. Marami kang napapasaya. Dapat ikaw din.

Ayos lang naman siguro kung hindi mo pa alam ang gusto mong mangyari. Ayos lang naman siguro ang maguluhan. Ewan, di ako nasa kundisyon para payuhan ka. Ako rin kasi naghihirap. Pero kahit naghihirap, eto pa rin, pinapasaya ka.

Ayos ka naman dati, di ba? Parang ganun lang, parang dati...

Ah, oo nga pala. Hindi ka rin masaya nun.

Ano ba kasi ang magpapasaya sa'yo? Wag mo sabihing sya. Nakakatakot kung iaasa mo ang kaligayahan mo sa isang tao. Bakit mo ba kasi kinalimutan yun?

Pasensya na at marami pa akong tanong, kitang ganyan ka.

O, tahan na. Kahit papano, siguro, mas magiging masaya ang bukas.

mahal ko na rin ang multiply...!

Love my new entries there. At least people react to it. Instant readership is love.

So, what was I going to do? Oh yeah, bitch more about life...

---

If there's one thing the past few month made me, it's less youknowwhat believe it or not.

And waterworks episodes like these definitely tone me down even more. I mean, every time I touch myself, I remember him touching me. So, I'd be depressed and all. Which is good because at least now, I equate youknowwhat with a negative thing.

It's like what that guy in Supersize Me said. The reason why we keep going back in fastfood places is because we equate going there with happy emotions and moments. For example, when we were kids, we'd be with mum and dad and we'd be bought a happy meal and all. So, there.

Then he says to himself that what he'll do is he'll hit his kid in the head every time they pass by a Mcdonald's. So the kid would only remember pain and suffering and such. And he'll loathe the place when he grows up? Possibly.

Nice mentality, eh?

I'll put that into practice.

Chastity, here I come.

another two weeks of crying here i come! yahoo!

Dahil masaya mabuhay.

Dahil marami akong pinagsisisihan sa mga ginawa ko.

Dahil ang mga katagang "it's too late" ay di lang para sa mga hospital drama.

Dahil natatanong ko sa sarili ko kung bakit di na lang parang dati.

Dahil sana nakokontrol ko ang apoy at kadiliman.

Dahil gusto ko mambura ng mga tao sa friends' list ko.

Dahil unti-unting nasisira ang buhay ko.

Dahil sanay na ako sa ganitong pagtrato kahit alam kong di dapat ako ganito tratuhin.

Dahil gusto ko lang.

Dahil ang kapatid ng dagang si Yuki na si Yuko ay pumasok sa kwarto.

Dahil sumasakit uli ang tiyan ko.

Dahil alam kong mag-uusap na naman kami ni Lord mamaya at magsisimula ang paghagulgol ko sa kanya ng "Lord, di ba..."

Dahil wala ako sa mood pumasok bukas kahit alam kong kailangan.

Dahil ayoko na ever pumuntang CMC library dahil sawa na ako maghintay dun.

Dahil kung anu-ano uli ang pumapasok sa isip ko.

Dahil gusto ko mawala ng ilang linggo, para hanapin ako ng mga tao kung hahanapin nga nila ako.

Dahil ang tanga-tanga ko.

Dahil nakakarma ata ako.

Dahil naasar ako sa'yo at sa kanila.

Dahil naasar ako sa sarili ko.

Dahil andami kong pinapasaya kahit ako gusto ko na talaga umiyak.

Dahil gusto ko matulog at hindi na gumising.

---

Paano kaya pag hindi na nga ako magising? Ano kaya gagawin mo? Laging mong tinatanong sa akin kung ano ang gagawin ko kung bigla kang mamatay. Dahil sinubukan mo, alam mo na ang sagot. Ako kaya, subukan ko?

Ako naman kaya ngayon?

now this is something i could actually relate to

First and foremost, I would like to suggest you guys to download and listen to the songs I post here. Why? 'Cause they're all good.

Now, here's something.

I love this song. Muse knows me. Personally. Really

---

TIME IS RUNNING OUT

-MUSE-

I think I'm drowning
asphyxiated
I wanna break the spell
that you've created

you're something beautiful
a contradiction
I wanna play the game
I want the friction

you will be
the death of me
yeah, you will be
the death of me

bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it

our time is running out
and our time is running out
you can't push it underground
we can't stop it screaming out

I wanted freedom
but I'm restricted
I tried to give you up
but I'm addicted

now that you know I'm trapped
sense of elation
you'll never dream of breaking this fixation
you will squeeze the life out of me

bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it

our time is running out
and our time is running out
you can't push it underground
we can't stop it screaming out
how did it come to this

you will suck the life out of me

bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it

our time is running out
and our time is running out
you can't push it underground
we can't stop it screaming out

how did it come to this

no, i just like this song

I like its beats. And I seem to be enjoying break-up and bitter songs lately. Is this a sign? *pulls out shovel and gun* No, silly. I'm not going to use it...

On myself, of course.

>:)

---

HOT HOT HEAT

Goodnight Goodnight
It's not enough to hear me say you've won
You only wanted me for having fun
But now I think you've gone and had your way
And left me with a pile of bills to pay
I can't even rewind the tape machine
To listen to your drunken reasoning
So here it is - your final lullaby

Goodnight, goodnight
You're embarrassing me
You're embarrassing you
So goodnight, goodnight
Walk away from the door
Walk away from my life
So Goodnight

I've given up on social niceties
I threw 'em out when I threw out your keys
Along with all your records I can't stand
You never even listen to any one of them
You're never gonna drag me out again
With all the people that were never ever even your friends
So here it is - your final lullaby

Goodnight, goodnight
You're embarrassing me
You're embarrassing you
So goodnight, goodnight
Walk away from the door
Walk away from my life
So goodnight

A little bit of rain I'd say is fair
But when it starts to thunder they all stare
This isn't goodnight, this is goodbye...

So goodnight, goodnight
You're embarrassing me
You're embarrassing you
Goodnight, goodnight.
Walk away from the door
Walk away from my life

Goodnight, goodnight
You're embarrassing me
You're embarrassing you
So Goodnight, goodnight
Walk away from the door
Walk away from my life
So goodnight

the omniscient and the omnipotent

Yeah, we'll take over the world someday.

The all-knowing, the all-controling, the all-doing.

What more can I say, really?

---

PS I hope hypnosis works. I badly need some brainwashing. That, or someone needs to build me a time machine.

i'll pretend last night didn't happen

I have the weirdest titles but I'm pretty sure you guys get the connection anyway.

However, this title is exactly the opposite of what this entry is all about.

... because it's the most wonderful thing, really. I kept raving about it the afternoon after. And there are some things that I just can't say 'cause I'm afraid that I might ruin it all.

But I want to, obviously.

Then, I can't.

So why am I even blogging about this?

Because I have hangovers.

It's the most addicting drug, really. I should go into rehab. Or not.

***

I'm scared for myself again. I told myself that I won't fall into the same trap anymore but I just can't help it.

'Cause it was just so wonderful. 'Cause he's just so wonderful. 'Cause this is just so wonderful... And I find myself wishing that wonderful would be forever. Then again, there is no such thing as forever and wishing it to be so would just make it nonexistent.

Then I find myself wishing that I hadn't been so redundant. I've been talking about this the past few days and I just can't seem to shut up. So maybe it is better to pretend that it didn't happen because doing so will give me the peace of mind that I need.

But then again, I'd rather have something fleeting and real than constant and mediocre.

Oh geez, I can't make up my mind now... and I'm talking troll!!!

***

Is it really true that there are things better left unsaid? Enlighten me.