i've just realized

Whenever I google my name, this blog is one of the top searches. FTW! Ergo, I shall mention my name here more and refer to myself in the third person for more erm, net visibilty.

Eg: Nicai is so pretty and so cute and oh she's a twisted bitch but only when you don't feed her well.

Haha! Anyway, I just came back from UP's lantern parade and it's my first time watching the entire thing. When I was a freshie, the parade was cancelled due to the whole TOFI issue and BOR meet. Last year, I was able to watch and take some pictures but I wasn't able to finish the whole thing. This year, we were at Engg then at Quezon Hall and we were seated in front of the hosts, which was one of the best seats in the house - er, university.

So many friends and acquiantances participated in the parade.

Nicai (haha)

Some of them were displaying their works and mini-lanterns, some of them were in floats, some of them were waving banners and some were shouting their hearts out to profess their beliefs. At that moment, I felt genuinely jealous of them. I guess I realized how much they've achived and grown. And where does that leave me? I'm still sitting in the sidelines, idly watching.

I swear I'll join the lantern parade next year. I just wish my college wins again. Haha

A normal guy would... Edward Cullen would... Gelo would...

There's this thing going around the net where Edward is being compared to "normal guys", your average Joes or your boyfriends and - well, the whole point of the post is to bash "normal guys" and exalt Edward as if he's manna from the heavens to the desert called lovelessdom.

See copy of this meme here.

I felt so insulted. Not all boyfriends or guys are what this writer said. My Gelo certainly isn't. And, as a tribute to my Gelo, I revised the meme.

I entitle this, Gelo would:

A normal guy would say: “I love you, baby!”
Edward Cullen would say: “You are my life now”

Gelo would say “I love you” and wouldn’t say you were his life and you agree because you would want him to have a life besides being with you… but every time you do meet up, regardless of whether he says I love you or not, you would feel that he does.

A normal guy would say: “I think I'm falling for you”
Edward Cullen would say: “The Lion fell in Love with the Lamb”

Gelo would say “I know I’m not supposed to but can’t help it,” and you would be left wondering what that means and after months of adventures and misadventures together, stories waay better than films or telenovelas, he would say that he loves you and he is sure of it and you fight for your love together.

A normal guy would say: “You hair looks like a haystack ….go brush it!”
Edward Cullen would say: "Your hair looks like haystack…but I like it”

Gelo wouldn’t say your hair looks like a haystack. He would say it looks like a haystack run over by a tractor but he loves you anyway and he loves every bit of you. Then again, he won’t say this often because most of the time, he would say your hair looks amazing.

A normal guy would pick a random song from a random artist and dedicate it to you.

Edward Cullen would sing you a song he wrote for you while playing the piano.

Gelo would buy a guitar even if he’s almost out of money, learn the songs you like and sing them to you. Though yes, he does dedicate a song for you every now and then on his multiply.

If you died, a normal guy would find another.
If you died, Edward would kill himself cause life without you isn’t worth living.

If you died -- well, you wouldn’t. Gelo would prevent it from happening. He would say his life has never been the same again when he met you and that you two still have to take over the world so you have to live.

As you leave their house a normal guy would say: “Bye. See ya!”
As you leave their house, Edward Cullen would say: “Come back to me love”
As you leave their house, Gelo would accompany you home. You would talk on the way back, you would lean on his shoulder, he would kiss you just because, hold your hand and squeeze it tight, kiss you again, say he loves you, take care and text him if you get home when you part as you board on the last jeep home. And when you get home, you still talk on ym as if you didn’t spend the day together and tell each other you miss the other already.

As you come back to their house, a normal guy would be watching TV and wouldn’t even notice.
As you come back to their house, Edward Cullen would be welcoming you by playing the piano with a song just for you.

As you come back to their house, Gelo would be sleeping and you would… >:)

A normal guy would wait for you to make him breakfast.
Edward Cullen would make you breakfast everyday.

You and Gelo don’t have breakfast. You wake up at noon or past noon, you’d say and insist you won’t eat because you’re getting fat, Gelo would tease you that you are, you would pretend to be hurt and mad for a while and he would take back what he said and tell you that you just need toning that’s all, something regular exercise can do, then make peace, hug you, kiss you and tell you you’re beautiful and that he likes your figure anyway.

While you were both out for dinner, a normal guy wouldn’t keep his eyes off the sexy waitress.
Edward Cullen wouldn’t even notice the waitress was a female.

You and Gelo would be cussing at the service and the meager food the waitress would bring you. You would discuss later on the social realities that is connected to the fast food business.

A normal guy while driving would keep one hand on the wheel and one hand on the radio.
Edward Cullen while driving would keep one hand on the wheel and the other attached to yours.

Gelo learned how to drive overnight! You both would be talents for a friend’s film and there would be a driving scene and Gelo doesn’t really know how to drive and your friend would teach him how and give him a few instructions and being the fast learner that he is, he managed to pull it off , drive around your friend’s village while acting his part and not even scratch the car! GELO FTW!

While far apart in different places, a normal guy would say: “I miss you”
While far apart in different places, Edward Cullen would say: “It’s like you've taken half myself with you”

While far apart in different places, you would tell Gelo how much you miss him. Gelo would immediately go to where you are, even if it’s midnight.

A normal guy wouldn’t care or notice if you had nightmares.
Edward Cullen would sing until your nightmares went away.

Gelo would hug you, kiss you, assure it’s just a nightmare and later on you would analyze what your dream means and you both would plunge into another philosophical discussion.

A normal guy does it with everyone.
Edward Cullen only does it with one.

Gelo wouldn’t pressure you to do it. He would say there’s so much more to a relationship than that.

A normal guy buys you flowers and chocolates.
Edward Cullen buys you a car.

With Gelo, you wouldn’t ask for flowers, chocolates or cars. You are simply contented that he is who he is and he do what he does for you. You love him. Just because.

the difference between today and tomorrow

Being in love with someone bipolar means being a bipolar yourself.

You cry for today and you just hurt so much but you tell yourself that 'tomorrow, for sure that tomorrow he will love me again'.

what it really is

Cue sad music.

I don't have a haven. I thought I had but everytime I think I'm sure, that's when the heavens disprove my beliefs. It's always been that way.

Now when did I know that my life can't be too perfect?

Prolly when I was in third grade and realized that all the group productions I direct don't turn out the way I plan. There's always something that needs to be compromised, something that won't fit into the ideal.

Ideals are called just that. Ideals were synonymous to impossible.

Then I entered high school and lowered my expectations and had run-of-the-mill dreams and acted as if possessed by it and for several blissful moments, I was happy.

Then I became a wreck again and I thought that was the end for me but then I found love.

Then I thought I'd be okay again but somehow, I felt trapped. Trapped as in I don't know what I'm doing and if it's right or...

No, I don't want to run away. Do I delude myself that everything is happy and all right? Maybe it really is like that and I'm just scared to be happy because I know it's an elusive bitch.

Maybe I'm pretending to be happy pretending to be not-happy but then I don't know which is the chicken or the egg and I end up confusing myself.

So I choose to preocuppy myself with things that will avoid such subjects such as manga and friends' problems.

Because I want to cry but I'm afraid I'll dehydrate.

Because I'm scared to face all of 'em.

Or maybe I still have hope that what I think is the inevitable is not the ending life has for us.

KNN WEBSITE, SEMIFINALIST IN 11th PHILIPPINE WEB AWARDS!!

Everyone, this is your chance to bring KNN to new heights!



KNN has been named a semi-finalist in the 11th Philippine Web Awards (PWA), and we need your help to win advance to the final round!

Starting November 10, 2008, you can send your vote for kabataannews.com, eitiher via e-mail or text messaging (sms). Votes will be accepted until February 26, 2009.



To vote for KNN VIA TEXT, type:

WEBBYS VOTE 61

Send to the following numbers:

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* Smart numbers to follow



To vote for KNN ONLINE:

Online voting is FREE!

All you need to do is visit and register at http://www.philippi newebawards. com.

 

Semifinalists will be trimmed down by a panel of judges to five finalists per category. KNN is nominated under Entertainment. Entries that will make it to the finals round will be in the running for the Best Web Site Award in their respective categories. The winners will be chosen by a panel of judges based on a set criteria which can also be found in the PWA site.

The entry that receives the most number of votes in its group will win the Peoples Choice Award for that category.

The complete list of the 2008 semifinalists can now be viewed in the official PWA site in the Member's Lounge of www.philippinewebaw ards.com.



VOTE NOW!

birthday thank yous

Kasi you can never say too many thank yous.

Ayun salamat to everyone who greeted! Be it here sa multiply, sa facebook, sa plurk, sa friendster, sa.. iba ko pang account online, sa personal. Maraming salamat po sa pag-alala. At sa mga hindi, may bukas pa kayo. Haha jk!

Pero gusto ko rin mag-thank you sa lahat ng tao na nakasalamuha ko at naging parte na ng buhay ko, maliit o malaki man ang papel na ginampanan ninyo. Salamat sa pagtitiyaga sa akin, sa pagpapatahan sa akin pag umiiyak na ako, sa pagpapatawa sa akin kahit masakit na tiyan ko kakatawa, sa pagdamay sa kung anu mang kabaliwan na pangtritrip sa mga tao ang naisipan ko, sa pagsalba sa akin pag may emergency ako, sa pagtulong uli kung may kalokohan man ako, tsaka... lahat na! Haha!

Salamat lang talaga. Sobrang napapahalagahan ko na yung mga pakikipag-ugnayan ko sa mga tao ngayon.

Sa mga STC friends, wala talaga kayong kapantay, mapa-GS ko pa kayo kilala o solid iv5, I think kayo talaga yung mga taong nakakakilala kung sino ako hehe :p tsaka yung mga simulain ko sa sining ng kalokohan bwahahaha! Sa mga kaibigan ko sa peyups, grabe iba kayo. Kayo yung mga tao na saya kasama. Kahit walang alkohol o droga, yung mga konbersasyon at mga katatawanan lang, solb na. Salamat sa pagdamay sa akin sa acads hehe. Sa mga katrabaho ko, di man tayo laging nagkikita ngayon, di naman ako nakakalimot. Come production time, bawi tayong lahat! Syempre parte na ng katauhan ko ang pagiging parte ng KNN. Pinapangako ko naman na pagbubutihan ko ang mga naiatas sa akin. Sa mga bagong kilalang friends, more memories to create sana! Sa mga orgmates, pagbutihin natin ang susunod na semestre! Success talaga tayo this sem! Go lang ng go! Batchmates sa journ, sabay-sabay sana tayong grumaduate! Web team, umariba lang din tayo next sem. Sa inyong lahat talaga sobrang salamat! May parte lahat kayo sa buhay ko tsaka pakiramdam ko may isang aspeto ng personalidad ko na nabuo dahil nakilala ko kayo. Salamat talaga sa pagsalo sa akin pag napapraning lang ako o tipong hatinggabi ako tumatawag tas pinapapunta ko kayo somewhere. Salamat lang talaga! Mga tunay na kaibigan kayo!

Sa pamilya ko, salamat din. Di naman kasi ako tao pag wala akong magulang in a bological sense di ba? Sa mga lola at lolo ko kahit di nila to mababasa, salamat sa pagsundo sa akin sa BK araw2 haha. Sa mga tito, tita, pinsan ko, salamat kasi kayo rin yung natatakbuhan ko pag may isyu ako sa buhay haha. Kina Nino at Nicko, salamat kasi kahit lagi ko kayo inaalaska di niyo pa naman ako kinakaila haha. Go lang sa girls. Shet nagmamature na kayo. Kina mama at papa, alam kong di maayos mga bagay sa atin pero subukin sana nating magkaayos.

Sa mga celestial force/s that govern life, sorry po at may isyu pa ako. Pahingi pa po ng oras para makapagisip-isip ako at mareconcile ang mga bagay na mareconcile. Nahihirapan po ako kaya tulungan Niyo po sana ako.

Syempre, kay Gelo, salamat nang marami sa mga pagbabago sa buhay ko. Salamat at andyan ka, salamat sa ating samahan, pag-iibigan, kulitan, takutan, dramedy at mala-teleseryeng buhay bilang magkasintahan. (Shet ang hirap mag-Filipino) Gusto ko pa rin isipin na ikaw yung nagligtas sa akin. Mahal na mahal kita :D (Haha nandun sa isa pang blog entry yung prequel kasi nito)

Ano pa ba? Ah syempre, dear Nicai, OMG, 19 ka na. Like, wtf. Tumatanda ka pala. Hahaha! Happy birthday sayo! Salamat sa lahat ng magandang katangian mo bilang tao. Mahaba ang listahan at sabihin ko na lang sayo personal :p Sana lang alagaan mo pa yung katawan mo. Wag masyado i-haggard. Para naman 19 ++++ years to live and love to live ka pa, di ba? Bongga.

Happy birthday me! Thank you sa lahat!!! :D

words of wisdom from neil gaiman

"Hearts may break, but hearts are the toughest of muscles, able to pump a lifetime, seventy times a minute, and scarcely falter along the way. Even dreams, the most delicate and intangible of things, can prove remarkably difficult to kill,"

- Fragile Things, Neil Gaiman

top 10 things you never want to hear a guy say

By Bethany Heitman

You already know that most guys aren’t exactly master communicators. And while you’re willing to put up with a lot, certain phrases are as grating to your ears as the reject reel from

American Idol.

10. “I don’t know, what do you want to do?”

Um, if we knew, we wouldn’t have asked. Plus, there’s nothing sexier than a man who can take the lead and plan a date. (Extra points for taking control after the date, too.)

9. “Shhh the game’s on.”
 

 

We get it, sports are important. But shushing us even when it’s a time-out is simply unacceptable. Just give us two seconds, and we’ll let you get back to the big game.

8. “Chill Out” or “Relax”

Nothing is more unnerving than being told to calm down. If you had estrogen, you’d get it. And you would also get periods, too — enough said.

7. “Smell this.”

We don’t want to be treated like one of your guy friends, so asking us to smell the leftover Chinese that’s been in your fridge for 6 months or gross old sneakers is just wrong.

6. “My ex did it this way.”

If you ever say this to us, we have every right to use our teeth — and then send you right back to said ex.

5. “Putting on some pounds, huh?”
 

 

The way we feel when someone says this to us is the way you feel when we ask, “Is it in?”

4. “Someone needs to groom down there.”
 

 

When you start offering up your junk to a woman named Helga with a vat of hot wax, you can complain about an errant hair or two on our body.

3. “I’m not in the mood.”

Really? We’ll remind him of that next time you wake us up (from a dream starring Christian Bale) with morning wood.

2. “Your sister is hot.”

If you are dumb enough to go there, you’re going to have to put up with listening to our fantasy that involves your brother, your best friend and maybe even your boss.

1. “Are you on your period?”

It doesn’t matter if the answer is yes, no, or almost. Unless you want to buy our tampons from now until we hit menopause, you should avoid asking.

repost from: http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/relationships/Top-10-Things-You-Never-Want-to-Hear-a-Guy-Say

haven

I want to study the psychology behind trauma and the healing process. Lord knows I need it.

You don't understand, do you? Trusting was never a problem. You're a very bad liar and my intuion's just insane like that.

What I don't want is not being able to control you and predetermine your moves. And I'm twisted like that, I guess.

I don't want you seeing ghosts and corpses, especially those I've killed. Winning means moving away from all of this, don't you see?

---

Sometimes it disturbs me how my life turned out to be, how cliche it is  and how meaningless and empty it is at times.

I still am aiming for world domination but growing up just makes me realize how harder and how bigger the world really is.

x, y, z

I'm supposed to be doing my comparative literature anthology critical introduction.

Yet I'm here.

Ooooh because it's new and it's fun :D

Recently found out that Gelo resurrected his old blog. I miss his old posts there. Especially those about me, of course. But I guess it was for the better that he killed his old blog. I mean, I really don't want to know his sentiments about exes and shizz.

Same goes for me, I guess.

Okay I consider Gelo as my first serious relationship but let's face it, he wasn't the first boy I was romantic with.

There's... and... and...

And even when I met Gelo already, there's...

But let's not go there. The important thing is we're together and I won't exchange him for anything/anyone else.

Yes, I'm pretty proud of the fact that we held on for this long. I consider it an achievement that I'm his longest relationship. (period, really)

It's a kind of achievement that gives you a fulfillment that no grade can ever can.

---

It's life, really. It's more important.

you give a little love and it all comes back and front

I don't know how the new page works. I'm that bobo with complicated blogs. Haha.

Anyway, a bit of update.

I've my last exam on monday (Sociology 101) and I've a meeting on the 22nd and the 23rd or 24th.

Oh and it's my birthday on the 21st. Haha.

I remember my birthday last year. Debut, cmon! It was so fun seeing everyone! And well, it was just so fun.

I miss parties. And sleeping over.

Or being away from all acads bec this sem has really been hell.

*Rantsamore*

Anyway, happy sembreak, y'all!

ghost of summer and sembreaks and xmas breaks past

The only way the past can haunt you is if it's haunting.

How can it not haunt you? Stop making your life haunt-able.

Ergo, stop killing people, stop hiding corpses in your closet and dirty lingerie of former lovers under the bed.

Bleach your whole room, then evacuate, then douse with oil and light with fire.

Stand outside house and see house burn (preferably with current missus).

tomorrow's exam

And like, fuck. I'm not studying. Because I'm thinking about so many things.

Screw life.

two more days and before

Of actual going to school and this sem is finito. I can finally breathe.

---

I was browsing through old notebooks and I happen to run into old poems I made.

I really had this distinct melody to my poems. So unfortunate that I lost it. I think depression makes me rhyme.

Will post old poems here sometime.

One's called "Ephemeral Surrender"

First line goes "your presence causes pandemonium"

and had this line "ours is a jargon of the most dangerous desires - the paradigm of ambivalence"

:(

It's sad I can't rhyme like that anymore. I miss writing poems.

among other things

Things I'm currently addicted to:

1. Detective Conan (because he never goes out of style)

2. Kaitou Kid (see number 1)

3. Manga

4. Love

5. Self

6. Feet

7. Oh great mysteries and the unknown

8. How I met your mother + Gossip Girl

9. Sleep

Because I'll hibernate when this sem is over. This sem was hell. Oh wait, still is.

and i was like, whut?

Shizz. F'ster has new layouts for their blogs.

Might blog here again.

I've got some pretty emo stuff here haha.

Shux I missed this. I mean, I grew up trying to maintain this site and all. Gelo and I even used our blogs to converse when we had our self-imposed hiatus ages ago. AGES ago.

And yes, we're still together and v happy. Who ever thought that we could last this long, right?

this would always be my favorite archetype

The world calls them Byrons. They're dangerous, exciting yet darn right attractive. Some call them the Draco-type. I just call them love. Ever since I was a little girl, I didn't dream of a knight-in-shining-armor who whould whisk me off my feet and take me to the land of happily-ever-after; I dreamt of a Byron who would constantly entice me with his words and life, mystify and captivate me to the point of obsession - someone who would fall for me over and over again.

***

Characteristics of the Byronic Hero

The Byronic hero--so named because it evolved primarily due to Lord Byron’s writing in the nineteenth century—is, according to Peter Thorslev, one of the most prominent literary character types of the Romantic period:

Romantic heroes represent an important tradition in our literature . . . . In England we have a reinterpreted Paradise Lost, a number of Gothic novels and dramas . . . the heroic romances of the younger Scott, some of the poetry of Shelley, and the works of Byron. In all of these works the Byronic Hero is the one protagonist who in stature and in temperament best represents the [heroic] tradition in England. (Thorslev 189)

A Byronic hero exhibits several characteristic traits, and in many ways he can be considered a rebel. The Byronic hero does not possess "heroic virtue" in the usual sense; instead, he has many dark qualities. With regard to his intellectual capacity, self-respect, and hypersensitivity, the Byronic hero is "larger than life," and "with the loss of his titanic passions, his pride, and his certainty of self-identity, he loses also his status as [a traditional] hero" (Thorslev 187).

He is usually isolated from society as a wanderer or is in exile of some kind. It does not matter whether this social separation is imposed upon him by some external force or is self-imposed. Byron's Manfred, a character who wandered desolate mountaintops, was physically isolated from society, whereas Childe Harold chose to "exile" himself and wander throughout Europe. Although Harold remained physically present in society and among people, he was not by any means "social."

Often the Byronic hero is moody by nature or passionate about a particular issue. He also has emotional and intellectual capacities, which are superior to the average man. These heightened abilities force the Byronic hero to be arrogant, confident, abnormally sensitive, and extremely conscious of himself. Sometimes, this is to the point of nihilism resulting in his rebellion against life itself (Thorslev 197). In one form or another, he rejects the values and moral codes of society and because of this he is often unrepentant by society's standards. Often the Byronic hero is characterized by a guilty memory of some unnamed sexual crime. Due to these characteristics, the Byronic hero is often a figure of repulsion, as well as fascination.

- http://www.umd.umich.edu/casl/hum/eng/classes/434/charweb/CHARACTE.htm

The Byronic Hero is a creation of the narrative poetry of George Gordon, Lord Byron.  The hero of Byron's highly successful Childe Harold's Pilgrimage (a vaguely autobiographical work) exhibits many of the characteristics; other Byron works featuring the Byronic Hero include The Corsair and Manfred.   

The Byronic Hero

• is a rebel (against convention, society, etc.)



• has a distaste for society and social institutions



• is isolated from society (a wanderer, an exile)



• is not impressed by rank and privilege (though he may possess it)



• is larger-than-life in his ability--and his pride



• has a hidden curse or crime



• suffers from titanic passions 



• tends to be self-destructive

One of the key connections that may help you understand the Byronic Hero is that he is, in some ways, like the Romantic conception of Satan in Paradise Lost--the rebel who fights against a tyrannical establishment but is destroyed by his own overwhelming pride.  This figure is an unconventional hero--dangerous and destructive, but admirable because he is larger than life.

- http://spider.georgetowncollege.edu/english/allen/byron2.htm

***

Must I have a song for the Byron types, it would be Kelly Clarkson's Beautiful Disaster.

He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He’s as dammned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
And if I try to save him
My whole world could cave in
It just ain’t right
It just ain’t right

Oh when I don’t know
I don’t know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

His magical myth
As strong as with I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
And do I try to change him
So hard not to blame him
Hold on tight
Hold on tight

Oh cuz I don’t know
I don’t know what he’s after
But he’s so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm waiting for some kind of miracle
Waited so long
So long

He’s soft to the touch
But afraid at the end he breaks
He’s never enough
And still leaves more than I can take
Oh cuz I don’t know
I don’t know what he’s after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

He’s beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster

reminiscing

Checked out my old entries.

Hmm. I was wrong about myself. I thought I dumbed myself down during "that time" but in fact, I was just more reflective about life and stuff.

Maybe what happened was a change of priorities.

Maybe we all go through that phase and mine just came too early.

Maybe I was having some sort of mid-life crisis. I hope not, though. Bec that would mean I only have another eighteen years to live.

in pursuit of happiness and other deep things

My friend and I were talking a few days ago and like all decent conversations we have, it led to the arduous and often painful quest for the modern myths, happiness and contentment.

"I think I keep on wanting the things that are not so desirable because it eliminates the possibility that things would work out and at least, from the start, I know it wouldn't work out..." she said something to that effect but I distinctly remember that she used the words "elminate" and "possibility".

That conversation wasn't the usual whining we had. I think that in some twisted way, there is some truth to what she said.

***

Happiness is a bitch, really. I'm standing up to what I said last time that I'm through wooing her, it, whatever. People say happiness is a decision and that you've got to anchor it to something stable. But could you really choose what makes you happy? Isn't happiness something that just happens?

Gelo always told me that you can't change what's happening around you but what you could change is your perspective of things, how you look at it and your attitude towrads it. The git says the most sensible things at times, see.

For a while I thought the same principle would apply to happiness - if things fuck up, just look at the brighter side of things, take control, smile and be happy. Then it's just tiring. I mean, you have to exert effort all the time. I never really thought happiness as something forced. It's supposed to be this ideal of ideals, something serendipitous, something that just happens.

Then it hit me. After eons of runnig after it, I decided it was something that I will just welcome into my life, something that will just happen and I will embrace the moment as much as I could, be completely aware of it and also of the fact that it's fleeting - but since I am aware of these truths, I will not be afraid of its moment of departure. There. Happiness settled. Let's fathom contentment now.

***

The same friend and I were defining contenment. And I said, "it's knowing that there's something better out there but you wouldn't give up what you have right now for that other better thing."

Well said.

However, another friend of mine told me that I shouldn't really settle for the next best thing because the best thing is out there, waiting for me - bec the "enemy" of the best thing isn't really the worst, it's the next best. I wanted to agree with her, but contentment, as far as my definition and history goes, it's not as easy as that.

Contentment is what I would like to be decided upon. Do I go for this or that? So it's all about decisions, which takes me back to the original conversation with this friend. She told me that either consciously or unconsciously, she's deciding and wanting things that she knows isn't really deserving bec she knows it would fuck up. And for years, I carried on with the same mentality - to want things that I know would blow up in one way or the other bec I still have that sense of control, that I still know how things would turn out bec I decided for things to be this way, that I didn't really want things, that I'm less likely to be hurt bec I simply know and have decided this for myself. So I think I get the drift of what my friend has been telling me.

I think, (and this is not necessarily a claim) that we're all somehow jaded so now we're scared or we hide behind the pretense of contentment in one way or the other. And this is not just about love. This is applicable to almost all things in life we are searching for - be it romance, an idea, a lost ideal, a higher Being, a story or even ourselves. I think we're somehow scared to want things bec we know how powerful we really are and when we finally get what we truly want, we're just don't know how to handle it and we're so, so scared that one day, it might leave us or it might not be what we imagined. We're unprepared or we see ourselves as undeserving of something that great, something that amazing, life-changing (or ending)

I blame the movies. After the happily ever after, the scene fades out and the credits roll. It does not tell us what happens after so in real life, if we do get our happily ever after, we wouldn't know what to do as well. We can't simply fade out. And I personally don't think it's a good idea to do a Kurt Cobain...

But deep, deep in my heart (or the pieces that are left) I still want my happily ever after bec when I die, I want to look back and say that it's been a good life (and that Hollywood producers should make a movie out of my life since it's so freakin' awesome) Something like that. I think I do know what I want. And maybe it's about time that I give it a chance and some recognition. It maybe a leap into darkness, that unaimed shot into nothingness but I think it's still worth a try.

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