My friend and I were talking a few days ago and like all decent conversations we have, it led to the arduous and often painful quest for the modern myths, happiness and contentment.
"I think I keep on wanting the things that are not so desirable because it eliminates the possibility that things would work out and at least, from the start, I know it wouldn't work out..." she said something to that effect but I distinctly remember that she used the words "elminate" and "possibility".
That conversation wasn't the usual whining we had. I think that in some twisted way, there is some truth to what she said.
***
Happiness is a bitch, really. I'm standing up to what I said last time that I'm through wooing her, it, whatever. People say happiness is a decision and that you've got to anchor it to something stable. But could you really choose what makes you happy? Isn't happiness something that just happens?
Gelo always told me that you can't change what's happening around you but what you could change is your perspective of things, how you look at it and your attitude towrads it. The git says the most sensible things at times, see.
For a while I thought the same principle would apply to happiness - if things fuck up, just look at the brighter side of things, take control, smile and be happy. Then it's just tiring. I mean, you have to exert effort all the time. I never really thought happiness as something forced. It's supposed to be this ideal of ideals, something serendipitous, something that just happens.
Then it hit me. After eons of runnig after it, I decided it was something that I will just welcome into my life, something that will just happen and I will embrace the moment as much as I could, be completely aware of it and also of the fact that it's fleeting - but since I am aware of these truths, I will not be afraid of its moment of departure. There. Happiness settled. Let's fathom contentment now.
***
The same friend and I were defining contenment. And I said, "it's knowing that there's something better out there but you wouldn't give up what you have right now for that other better thing."
Well said.
However, another friend of mine told me that I shouldn't really settle for the next best thing because the best thing is out there, waiting for me - bec the "enemy" of the best thing isn't really the worst, it's the next best. I wanted to agree with her, but contentment, as far as my definition and history goes, it's not as easy as that.
Contentment is what I would like to be decided upon. Do I go for this or that? So it's all about decisions, which takes me back to the original conversation with this friend. She told me that either consciously or unconsciously, she's deciding and wanting things that she knows isn't really deserving bec she knows it would fuck up. And for years, I carried on with the same mentality - to want things that I know would blow up in one way or the other bec I still have that sense of control, that I still know how things would turn out bec I decided for things to be this way, that I didn't really want things, that I'm less likely to be hurt bec I simply know and have decided this for myself. So I think I get the drift of what my friend has been telling me.
I think, (and this is not necessarily a claim) that we're all somehow jaded so now we're scared or we hide behind the pretense of contentment in one way or the other. And this is not just about love. This is applicable to almost all things in life we are searching for - be it romance, an idea, a lost ideal, a higher Being, a story or even ourselves. I think we're somehow scared to want things bec we know how powerful we really are and when we finally get what we truly want, we're just don't know how to handle it and we're so, so scared that one day, it might leave us or it might not be what we imagined. We're unprepared or we see ourselves as undeserving of something that great, something that amazing, life-changing (or ending)
I blame the movies. After the happily ever after, the scene fades out and the credits roll. It does not tell us what happens after so in real life, if we do get our happily ever after, we wouldn't know what to do as well. We can't simply fade out. And I personally don't think it's a good idea to do a Kurt Cobain...
But deep, deep in my heart (or the pieces that are left) I still want my happily ever after bec when I die, I want to look back and say that it's been a good life (and that Hollywood producers should make a movie out of my life since it's so freakin' awesome) Something like that. I think I do know what I want. And maybe it's about time that I give it a chance and some recognition. It maybe a leap into darkness, that unaimed shot into nothingness but I think it's still worth a try.
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