the problem with me is that...

i really don't know. is it in human nature to desire things to be complicated? i think i'm happier when i'm caught in imbroglios. for some illogical reason, i love crying, i love being dramatic, i love twists, i love breaking rules.

what is it that attracted me with inconsistency? i say i want peace, but really, i'm an anarchist. i say bargain but i'm no diplomat nor economist.

what is it with me and ironies?

i have no idea. i baffle myself. and sometimes the guessing is all worth it. and most of the time, there are no answers - only questions and the search for the nonexistent. 

bakit mas mabilis ang reflex ng flying ipis at bakit maraming manok sa kalye?

DISCLAIMER: if seeing bambi's mom die made you squirm, then you shouldn't be reading this entry.

---

the most disgusting thing that could happen to me happened this morning when i woke up.

so i was asleep, ne? then i felt something crawling up my neck and onto my face. irritating siya so in reflex, i grabbed whatever it was and tried to crush it. and when i opened my hand--- IPIS PALA! SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!!! and worse, di ko pa pala napatay! it flew to the kurtina pa! YAK KADIRI TALAGA!!! i screamed na after that and everyone woke up and started shooting the disgusting little critter! basta umikot-ikot pa siya sa bed at sa kumot ko sa yucky kadiri talaga am so not sleeping in my bed EVER! we were trying to catch it nga pero ang bilis lumipad-lipad at tumakbo... whatever. so kadiri lang talaga.

ok so naghilamos ako ever ng mukha at lahat. yuck talaga.

i thought my day couldn't get any worse but later this afternoon, when i was about to go to the church, pagbukas ko ng gate namin, may apat na manok na nagkumpulan sa harapan ng gate!!!

MAS YUCKY KADIRI EVER!!!!! YUCK YUCK YUCK I HATE CHICKENS!!!!

tapos siyempre nagsisigaw ako at pinagtinginan ako ng mga kapitbahay and i so didn't care kasi they're so freakin' kadiri talaga.

ayun nataranta yung mga manok and tried to fly away. maa, saw them flapping their wings, at least. pero haha malamang di sila makalipad so they just ran away.

i continued screaming kasi nga they left some feathers in front of the gate pa. yuck so kadiri!!!!

bakit ba kasi may mga manok na pagala-gala sa kalye? kaya nga nakatira ako sa siyudad para wala masyadong manok!!! BWISEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!!!!!!!!! >:(

dapat tumira na lang pala ako sa farm or whatever di ba?

this is the most kadiri yucky gross day ever in the history of humankind and civilization.

baw.

:[

when you're pretty sure that this entry is about you

yeah i have nothing to write about, really. i'll try to shut up about this day, the fourth day in my streak of bad luck days.

*stops*

okay, i promised to smile more so here i am

*scary smile*

ok, will try not to look freaky...

---

maa, so where do we stand? i'm confused too. and everything you just said right now is confusing. why do i keep using that word?

*sighs*

i try not to think about it. it works for me. i told you, didn't i? but i like it like this. i like being confused. masochistic, yes but it's kind of exciting, ne?

comments and whatnot

why is everyone talking about the 300? sa tambayan, nagskiskit na mga tao dun! sa dark room, yun din pinag-uusapan! pati ba naman sa mga blog ng mga friendly friends ko?

what's so great about it, really?

no, don't answer that. i just find it a bit annoying that everyone's talking about it. yeah call me kj but madali kasi ako magsawa. even sa pinakikinggan ko. weird, noh?

---

angging: nandun si gerard! tagal ko ng alam yun!

ernica: ah yun ba yung pinadala sa'yong letter?

angging: oo.

ernica: oh. so ang tagal na pala niyang in the making...

angging: nuod tayo!

ernica: aah... sige. kaso wala na akong pera!  nauubos sa photog eh!

angging: dvd na lang! kina aileen!

ernica: tama! tama!

---

ayun naalala ko lang yung conversation namin ni angging when i first saw the news about the 300 sa E! o di ba? eager pa ako? pero hearing about it all the time, parang nakakasawa na! tipong if you have a fave song and you hear it all the time, after some time, everytime (haha ang daming 'time'!) you hear it na, parang you like it less. gets? kasi nga may hangganan ang pagkagusto ng mga tao. human nature ata iyon. hay nakoo! i-fathom ba ang human nature! ang tumagal lang sa akin na gusto ko ay detective conan. haha.

hmm pero siguro meron nga mga bagay na kahit gaano mo kadalas nariirnig o kadalas nakikita, nahahawakan, nakakain, nalalasap, nararamdaman, etc, hindi ka pa rin magsasawa. super cynical ako about a lot of things about life, pero deep inside i still believe in all things good pa naman eh. pero ang problem, parang extreme siya. sa super extreme, parang imposible na mangyari o magawa. hay okay. gulo na kayong lahat! mwahahahaha!

whatever na.

sige i'll make more happier kwentos next time. i'll try to cheer up, swear! but let me frown for now. i deserve it after all the i'm-happy-i'm-okay-no-i'm-really-okay-and-everything's-just-fine act.

and no, i'm not blaming anyone

DISCLAIMER: don't read if you're depressed

sheesh. another shitty day. oh wait, shitty weekend + monday.

last saturday, hmm. something bad happened. maa, maybe not really bad (only the future can tell if it's right all along) but it's definitely something that troubled me and made me cry for several hours. and of course, i'm also thinking about shifting to there's just a lot of things on my mind and what happened kind of made me crack... a bit.

sunday was pretty useless. didn't do anything productive as well. i'm still a bit burned out due to saturday's events and i was just in bed the whole day, waiting for the roof to fall or the bed to eat me. nah, kidding. but i was pretty zoned out and the worse part is, mum and i had another row cause i snapped and shouted at her and we had a fight (oh yeah, i already mentioned that) and she was so mad that she asked me to do my own laundry and i did! just imagine me washing my clothes at ten at night. *sigh* and my phone was confiscated too.

i woke up late the next day, of course. i missed my ride to school and i even had leg cramps and dislocated joints or whatever (i blame doing the laundry the night before)

however, i just sighed and commuted to school and i almost got ran over by a bus in  welcome rotonda but i sighed yet again and boarded on an fx to philcoa. i arrived in UP around ten and i didn't have a hard time reeling my film --- but lo and behold!!! the pictures i took were crappy! guess why! because i got the logic of the use of the aperture all backwards!!! and why? maybe because i was zoned out when i took the pictures because something very troubling happened last saturday? hmmm... just a theory.

so, i told myself that i'll just have lunch first to cool down. guess what? ate siomai's missing. garr. and i spent the lunch hungry and dreaming about siomai.

after lunch, maa, i took pictures again (bought a new roll from kia and used ate ayrie's cam) and went back to the dark room around four. when i was finished developing the film, i discovered that i was alreadyout of photopaper.

i wanted to blow up the dark room around that time.

anyways i sighed a-gain and accepted my failure. literally. i was never late for a submission EVER in my life but i guess there's a first time for everything.

by the time the dark room was closing, i was extremely hungry so i waited in the pouring rain for either a toki or katip jeep but neither came for at least eight minutes and fifty-three seconds.

i sat in the front of the katip jeep that came and "unfortunately" the seat was wet. so yeah, my pants became wet. and when i got to SC, i ordered beef noodles at ersao and C2 apple. the beef noodles was hot (almost burned my tongue) but when i was trying to cool it down with the C2 apple, the C2 wouldn't open! the lid was stuck or something!!!

i wanted to blow up SC around that time.

when my tito finally texted me that he was parked outside, i came out, of course and got on the car. i told him that we needed to go to quiapo so i can buy a new set of photo paper so i could use something tomorrow. he said that it was extremely traffic at quiapo and since it was raining, going there would be suicide.

i sighed and really accepted my defeat.

suicide - something i feel like doing.

so there. i therefore conclude that god hates me. maa, maybe not but something close to that.

the mistress

here's a poem i wrote when i was fourteen. it was summer and we were having a training for KNN and we stayed for a week at the Astoria Plaza. the hotel's bar inspired me to make this poem. it really did! i went up my room immediately and started writing!

the periods mean paragraph breaks, btw.

so, here it is...

.

.

.

.

.

mistress at the cafe

.

stirring my coffee...

tapping my feet...

practicing a line i would use

to lure you into my trap

.

just a night

another night -

like the many we had before,

i would have you within my grasp

we could cease our masquerade,

our struggle for anonymity,

and amalagamate

our realities and fantasies

as you drag me into a blinding epiphany

come midnight

.

while i have you,

let me tell your stories

a hundred years old

question me with your tender, loving lips.

pull me into memories

that we will throw into oblivion,

seal it with your soft, addicting kiss

.

at dusk you shall leave me

the world shall have its turn

with this game, my love,

i don't have much of a choice

.

and all i can do is think of you constantly

talk of you in codes

to fill this void, this nothingness

you chained me with

.

until your return,

i imagine you laughing with her,

walking hand-in-hand with her,

telling her stories

a hundred years old

.

another week has passed,

i am again at the cafe -

stirring my coffee...

tapping my feet...

waiting for my love

that can never be mine.

trust and mistrust

more rantings. don't you just love them? yes, dear audience. i know you do too!!!

now let me fathom the obscure depths of an entity (?) called trust.

hmm...

right now, the only meaning i can give you is this: trust is something that my mother doesn't give me

SERIOUSLY!!!

what's wrong with parents?

maybe i should really screw up my life, then she'd know how lucky she is that i'm the studious, responsible girl that i am. AM! NOT WAS!

GEEEZ!!!

last night she keeps on asking me if i have a boyfriend! and her basis? her friend told her that i have one! hello?!?! i don't even know who that person is!!! met her a few times but the most i said to her was "hello, good afternoon!"

take a friend's word over your daughter's? possible but definitely stupid if both parties are not even acquiantances!

now everyone who knows me is aware that i'm cynical when it comes to relationships and that i never want to get married. EVER! and i don't believe in love. and i think all those in teenage relationships right now are stupid. yeah, go shoot me. really. or better yet, shoot my mom - maybe it'll knock some sense into her.

i don't like boys very much. iie, i'm not asexual. i mean, i know a cute/hot/cool guy when i see one and yes i'm not immune to attraction but i have a lot of better things to do rather than swoon and think about those allegedly attractive members of the opposite sex.

mum's still mad at me for reasons that only the dark abyss of her twisted deduction knows. if she doesn't trust me then i really don't care. i gave up on that. i don't trust her too, for that matter.

if she asks me i have i have boyfriend for one more time, i'd crack and tell her that i have millions of boyfriends and i'm having casual sex with all of them. just to keep her mouth shut for a few minutes, ne? 

>:p

garde, she's annoying.

the rocking chair

i won't go into details but there was this guy who offered me a business deal. when i said i was busy, he asked me if i was busy doing the right things. by "right", he meant things that are profitable. he explained that 54% of the human population would be dead broke by the time they're 64, which is the retirement age, at least for our country. he said they didn't plan ahead, that they didn't really know what they wanted. he also said that they might have saved up but wasn't too cautious and that all their efforts were in vain. saving won't get you anywhere, he said.

"do you know what a rocking chair is?" he asked me.

i nodded, trying very hard not to scoff. 

"you see how it's moving? but it's not really getting anywhere, is it?" he said with a smirk. "you'll be like the rocking chair if you're busy doing the wrong things. you'll just be busy. you won't ever get anywhere..."

that 'quote' really tormented me for a few days. it made me rethink my priorities and question my beliefs.

sheesh. i'm doing so many things but i'm not profiting on them, ne? economically speaking, that is. but really, what am i doing? for all the things i do, all that i get is a recognition here and there and a pat on the back or so.

what am i getting out of the many, many things i do?

seriously, what?

if i think pragmatically, logically and practically right now, i would have accepted the offer. money is still money and we need it to survive, of course.

but accepting the offer means forgetting my old ways and stopping the things i do - which i like, mind you!

yeah even if i like doing them, they still don't give me profit...

but hey, who cares? i mean, I DON'T CARE!

call me illogical, impractical, or even crazy but i like being me and i like being these things! i like dreaming of a better country, i  like changing the world, i like being a pioneer of change and i like helping without anything in return. maybe that's just me. maybe i'm impractical but i'm happy being that.

fine, fine. i could see you lot shaking your heads and telling me that i'll change my opinion when i start working - but i do work! and i work for these people because i support their cause and believe in their dream.

yeah, i'm still young and idealistic but at least i stick with them. now, i really know where i stand.

i may be in a rocking chair that doesn't get anywhere but i'm pretty sure that it's moving in the right place. :)

allow me to rant, dear audience

i should be in school now but i'm at home! lol! somebody's become a bad influence lately... hmm...

so everybody knows that i'm confused with life, ne? and confusion is good.

what am i saying?!?

---

a number of people have been saying (since, like, HS) that my life is like a compilation of scenes from different movies of different genres. yeah, i agree.

cake: your life is just like a chick flick!

nicai: no, it's actually the suspense type, the cloak and dagger kind of mystery

cake: ':p

---

hmm... is this why i took film?

surprised kayo noh? kala nio journ major ako! kahit pag bumabalik akong school (STC) kala nilang lahat journ ako.

mukha ba akong journ student? haha. oo UP Journ Club ako and iloveit there and i have a lot of friends na journ at oo, tumatambay ako sa dept at kilala ko si ate raquel pero film pa rin ako! film pa rin ako! alam ko pa rin ang ibig sabihn ng agitate at low depth of field! *cries and runs away*

---

oo mapagpanggap ako. andami ko na nga naloloko eh.

innocent freshie: ah, ate, anong year na po uli kayo?

nicai: third.

innocent freshie: ano pong dan papuntang office of admissions?

nicai: mag-TOKI ka. dadaan yun dun.

innocent freshie: salamat po (hops away)

nicai: oh crap! teka, OUR pala yun!

---

(en route to xmas party; dumaang stc)

kuya gelo: batchmates kayo ni claire di ba?

nicai: mas bata ako ng 1 year!!! lower batch ako!!!

kuya gelo: (makes a weird face)

---

(sa tambayan)

ate melai: di ba second year ka na?

nicai: hindi po. freshie pa lang po.

ate melai: huh? talaga?

---

(sa tambayan uli)

ate peps: ha teka? first year ka pa lang?

nicai: (nods with a big grin on her face)

ate peps: ah siguro na-stereotype lang namin yung mga freshie na tahimik tapos sobrang galang (reenacts)

ate nike: oo nga nung first year nga ako, kalahati lang ng pwet ko yung inuupo ko dito sa bench!

nicai: ':p

---

(sa cine adarna)

nicai: siyempre di ako nanunuod ng film eh film major pa naman ako

kuya gelo: WHAT?! di ba journ ka? akala ko journ ka!

nicai: film ako! bakit kayo ganyan lahat? (cries)

---

siyempre hindi yan ang exact nilang sinabi pero ganyan ang diwa. tsaka animated version yan hehe. (kahit walang animation)

so bakit ganun? bakit lagi na lang ako pinagkakamalang at napagbibintangan? nasaan na ang hustisya? hindi na malinaw ang linya sa pagitan ng itim at puti!

o_o

iba na ata sinasabi ko! hahaha! ay isang pang misconception sa akin ay only child daw ako. i may act and look like one pero ate po ako ng isang stick bug na mahilig magpanggap na computer at isang biik na mahilig magbasa ng libro (at manuod ng ANTM!)...

gulat na naman kayo, noh? but the greatest surprise of all is something that only a few poeple in my life know... and it's something that would definitely top the list of "greatest misconceptions about nicai"

whatisit?

hmmm....

...

...

...

...

...

I SEE DEAD PEOPLE!

...

..

..

...

...

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
..

...

...

okay, obyus na joke yun. basta wag niyo na lang alamin! not knowing is the sweetest thing and ignorance is bliss nga daw, di ba?

thatsit!

iloevit! iloveit!

ja ne!

how to justify a suicide

don't expect this entry to be profound because it's not.

O_O

i just sent the wrong message to the wrong group of people.

O_o

can i go jump out of the window now?

just because

apathetic. apolitical