if only real life were life animes and animes were like fanfics ii

She told me that he was always so careful, that the first time he had her on his bed he cried into her breasts. He exhaled her name slowly each time, then chanted it like a song; their bodies in a raindance, clouds frantically responding and covering her mind and irises. She paused, sometimes, in her retelling to me. She would stare at the ground as though it were his eyes, silent as though his ‘I love you’ was whispering in her ears.

She said it was her fault. He had a brilliant mind. He knew Napikov and Shakespeare like the veins in her wrists. He knew Masaoka Shiki and City of Trees as well as her body. Or maybe better than her body. She said that he called her mature for a child, but that she must not be growing anymore. She was still ten years old inside, but now it was just that she had breasts.

And she admitted that she was no poet, that she was merely an observer scribbling sentence fragments and wording her rapid pulse on paper with torn and jagged edges. She was a child who blushed, and she did not like classical music, and Yoshino in the Moonlight was pretty but hard to follow. She stared at her wrists, blood vessels and branched blue lines her roadmap. Then she shook her head and murmured that she couldn’t find his love anymore.

Slowly, she talked less. To me. To everyone. She gained weight, then lost it tenfold. Her soft hair paled and thinned and then became a lumpy ponytail; effortless.

He waved at me once in passing, unknowing, and all at once I understood her silence. There was a strip of gold on his left finger. And her hands were bare.

I wanted to tell her that she was just sixteen years old, I wanted to tell her that love was not reciting the English or knowing all there was of literary spring in Japan. I wanted to tell her that she had a pretty face and that her body was still as soft, her eyes—with a little hope—could still brighten again. I wanted to tell her that somebody would mirror all of the love she had to give, if not today, then someday. I wanted to tell her, but she wasn’t in school.

She didn’t leave a note. Whoever found her, I hope they were gentle, I hope they did not damage her name and label her insane. It would be hard to see otherwise, I suppose, to open the bathroom door and find the definition of loveliness and chances and time lying cold and still. Her wrists were red, rolled carpets bleeding around her like bloodwings.

They call it suicide, but I’m sure she was looking. She sat on the tiles with a razor, slashing at every word of love he’d ever spoken to her. She seared the skin that his hands used to brush. And she searched for the literature he’d memorized in sync with her anatomy.

Growing exhausted in her search, she found nothing and lost the will to try. Unable to understand the poetry, she watched herself open and did not realize that she had become it. Wide and unlimited, like the cherry trees bursting into bloom. She closed her eyes, and gave herself to the unyielding spring.

-excerpt  from somnambulating's CCS fan fic, City of Trees

somnambulating. City of Trees. 2004. 23 Oct 2006. <http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1734371/1/>

birthday for the seventeenth time

i'll be seventeen in a couple of minutes...

i took a bath. i wore my UP shirt and old flowery pajamas (to hell with fashion right now) and continued watching detective conan movie 7: crossroads in ancient capital. i then asked myself if the past year has been fulfulling and with a sigh, i said yes. i fell in love, i got my heart broken (again), i graduated from high school, i've been to baguio, i've produced about hmmm...ilang stories uli? i've stayed in a lot of hotels (pun intended = i've been travelling a lot) i've passed all the schools i've applied for and even the scholarships. i've recited a prayer in front of the whole STC HS community without going fast (thank you sir zaraspe for the tips - "pikit mo mga mata mo tapos hinga ka nang malalim...") i've written my classmates' monologues, sagutang diyalogo, poems, reports, etc without getting caught. i've been grounded at least 5 times. i've been caught in a bar. i've called an ex for his bday. i've written a college-level story when i was still in HS. i've been registered to globe's unli4ever. i've gotten used to sleepovers. i've opened my mind to new ideas. i've lost my religion. i've learned to express my anger when i'm mad. i've learned to stand up for myself. i've learned to commute. i've learned of the inter-and-intra subjectivity tests. i've learned how to do a lawrence curve in excel. i've learned when to trust and when not to trust. i've lost friends. i've gained friends. i've lost myself. i've discovered some things about me. i've been the top 2 applicant for UPJC this sem. i've been exempted for world lit, rel, calc, bio. i've learned of forbidden love. i've opened my mind to new ideas. i rediscovered my love for detective conan. i've pranked people. i learned my lessons. i've been humbled. i've been praised. i've gained weight. i've learned the value of truth. i've done so many things in just a span of one year. this blog entry isn't enough to enumerate all these, but for all the people who have satyed by my side through all of these, i love u guys! seriously. thank you. i promise to smile more these days. i really love u guys! and i love me!!! (hehe) but most of all, i love surprises. try to surprise me, wil you? you know who i want ;p

happy bday, ernica. you're seventeen now. wow. that's a ten and a seven! haha.   

if only real life were like animes and animes were like fan fics

It took all her courage to finally make the decision of coming back to the academy. She somehow thought that he needed to know and feel how she really felt. Since she was fourteen, she couldn’t help but hide her feelings for him and act like everything was still okay. She ventured into a relationship, thinking that what she had with him was just an infatuation but… still, the feeling remained. She even knew she loved him now, not as someone superior or respected -but as a woman would love a man. Their memories made her blush like the schoolgirl she was.

The classes in the elementary division were probably over now, Mikan thought, as her head kept glancing back and forth to confirm the time from the wall clock. Looking around and saw that no one was really around, she sneaked her hand inside her purse and took a small round yellow orb and held it across her face. Giving it a firm squeeze, she said, "Check!"

The smiley ball's eyes blinked twice and announced: "Analyzing Mikan Sakura. Currently, there are: no blemishes, no left over food in teeth, no loose strand of hair. Physical appearances ninety-nine point nine percent good! Body system: Warning! Heart is severely palpitating! See doctor quickly!"

Mikan stuffed the ball back inside her bag and rolled her eyes. "Ninety-nine percent good? Gods, Hotaru…"

Mister Smiley Ball was Hotaru's latest invention specially made for Mikan. Mikan actually just asked her best friend how she looked one afternoon and knowing the genius mechanical inventor, Hotaru gave her the ball that assessed a person's condition inside and out. Surely, the ball was accurate but Mikan was smart enough to follow the smiley's advice to see a doctor.

She wasn’t dying, she knew it. She was just too nervous to see him.

"Mikan, is that you?" an effeminate but deepened voice she thought she remembered too well asked from behind.

Mikan whiffed her head to the side and grinned with delight. She hopped off the couch and turned to him. "Narumi-sensei…!" Before the man could reply, she flung herself on his arms, wrapping her arms around his neck. "Narumi-sensei… I've missed you!"

Narumi was speechless. Not only was he surprised to see her, but he was too surprised to see her.

He put his hands on her back to accept her friendly hug, tangling his fingers against the long tresses of silky hair. As she pressed her close, for a second he forgot the student she had been and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath of her sweet perfume.

Was this woman Mikan Sakura?

excerpt from Goshikku Seirei's Gakuen Alice fanfic, Foget Me Not

Seirei, Goshikku. Reunion with Butterflies. 2006. 17 Oct 2006. <http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2879052/1/>

for more, for less

sabi ng mga upperclassmen frends ko, sa UP daw, bababa standards mo... tipong, nawawala paunti-unti ung pagka-idealistic mo at mas nagiging realistic ka...sabi nila, dito mo daw malalalman kung sino ka talaga..

naniniwala ako dun. ngayon pa nga lang, feel ko ang daming nagbago sa akin. i may not necessarily like who i'm turning into but it's still an eye-opener to discover who i'm capable of becoming into. malay.

namimiss ko na ang black headband ng PE na nakaburda pa ang pangalan mo...na ginagamit everytym nagp-PE at nagtetest sa STC...isuot ko rin kaya yun pag nage-exam? in fairness, sinuot ko yun nung nag-UPCAT, ACET at DLSUCET ako. and take note, di lang ako nakapasa...scholar pa...

*sigh* sa UP, less intense ang mga tests...parang, wla lng. test ba ito? bakit sa dadalwang pisong notebook tau nagsusulat?? sanay p nm nako sa pinupukpok ako tsaka pinapamukha tlga na "HOY!!! FINALS TO!!!! PAG BINAGSAK MO 2, MAGPAALAM KA NA SA MGA PANGARAP MO!!!" malay. di pa nagsi-sink in sa akin na ganito na ang mga bagay2 ngayon.

FINALS NA!!!!

gudluck sa lahat!!!