Let this be the last open letter that I'll write for you. Expect this to be totally incoherent. I know how our brains work.
I don't even think about you anymore. Except for a while ago when I came from this talk and the speaker was preaching about self-image and self-worth. I wish you have heard what he said. I know it would help in curing you. Yes, you do have a condition. And I still pray for you every night.
I saw you walking away a while ago. Maybe it would end with that - with you walking away. I can't believe that I've forgotten to tell you how I chose you over him... I was calling out to him, I was following him and I think he had his earphones on and the music was a bit too loud. I kept on calling out and he wouldn't answer. Then you approached me. You didn't really came up to me, you were just standing there, with your arms folded as you stood near the unused fountain. I still remember what I was wearing that day. It was the maroon top and the tight, white mini. And you had that black winter outfit that I just adore on you. You weren't even smiling. You had a brow raised and you looked impatient. Then I forgot about him and ran to you. Yes, ran. Almost bumped into him when I finally reached wherever it was you were standing on. Just waved a quick goodbye and that was it. You accompanied me after that as you asked where I have been...
Fastforward to today. It was the same thing, only this time, we were at a different venue and we were wearing different clothes. Only this time, you were walking away. And for good, I hope.
I'm not the girl you fell in love with. Ever, I think. Or probably not anymore. She was such a character, wasn't she? It's almost as if she stepped out from some chick lit. And you, being - well, you, gladly jumped into a novelette with her. And you created such wonderful stories, chapter after chapter of cognitive dissonance, possessive, obssesive, wonderful love, and sex (of course). But that isn't really me. Or maybe I just changed. Or maybe that wasn't you either. Or maybe the real world just caught up with us.
I had fun in our own little world, though. It's nice to reminsce from time to time. Then sometimes I also think that maybe it would be better if the past several months didn't happen at all (It's been months? Really?! OH. NO. Maybe you're right. We should be married by now.) It is kinda better, I think, if we could pretend that nothing ever happened. I know thinking that wouldn't change anything but maybe that way, we could co-exist more peacfully. Just maybe.
If you ever find out that I've doodled and wrote in your notebook again and you read what I wrote, then, well, I don't feel that way anymore. I'm sorry. Feelings are just transient. And you know this v well. I did feel that way when I was writing it but now, it's just different. I just don't see you that way anymore and I don't feel... much. Nothing at all. And this isn't just something that I tell myself so I could feel better or whatever. It's different this time. This time, I mean it. This time, I know.
I'm still thankful for everything and I wish that you be cured of your condition. I wish that you have made peace with God, and everyone else. I wish you could see Him the way I'm seeing Him now. I wish you get better. I really do because once upon a time, you loved me when I can't even love myself. And I'll always be thankful.
But everything's different now. We live in this world and we have to comply ourselves to certain rules and obligations. You have your world, I have mine. As I've said, it just won't work out. A long time ago, I thought it would but now, the possibility is bleak. Because you see, it isn't just you. It's also a two-letter word that starts with M and ends with E.
Hey, we could still be friends. Maybe one day, we could still hang out like we used to, watch a movie, have dinner, fuck, pull pranks on innocent mall-goers and just be as crazy as we want be. Maybe. Someday. But not now. I request for distance. I hope you don't mind. Spending some time apart might be nice. Please give me my peace. Please? Just, I dunno, be out of my life for a while. And I mean this. And I know it's hard. There will be times when I'd just worry if you need someone to act as your human emotional garbage can or toilet or whatnot. And I'd worry, really - it's just that maybe I need less of that for now. Maybe it's better if you are watching me from a distance. So be it. Let me be and let me live my life. Away from you, even just for now.
I've been disillusioned. I think it's that. You're just not what I'm looking and waiting for. You aren't. You are the next, best thing but I think - no, I know that I deserve the best. You said so yourself, remember?
I'm not sure if I'll miss you, your highness.
This is goodbye, then?
For now?
Someday, maybe we could meet up and I dunno, just catch up with each other's lives or whatever. Maybe a novelette about us will be published by then and we could laugh about how silly and stupid we were. And this isn't hopeful or wishful thinking. This isn't one of the many promises you've heard either. It's just something that I know. It just will be.
Well, thank you. Just because. And goodbye, your highness.
