this is us, in retrospect

I have always chosen princes over frogs. It isn't in my nature to show sympathy nor mercy to those poor, desperate beings who try to intrude into my well-guarded fortress. I didn't really need anything, really... I had the best things in life. I had everything, even those I didn't ask for, was handed in flying, sparkling platters. And I thought my life was perfect. I thought I was perfect. I was happy and content inside my fortress.

This almost fictional fortress, as many of you may have already guessed, is that organ that beats non-stop. It allows blood, tears, poison and that sickening, sickening drug called "love" to flow into your veins and consume your whole being. It envelopes your soul with memories and longing, it strangles you with such intensity but in the end, you end up breathing life into your system.

So, what about it, eh?

How come it never penetrated my fortress if it's all that.

Or maybe it already did.

---

The princes I have mentioned came through the back door. They didn't really enter the right way. And they were past-times, mere playthings that i have laughed at as they have indulged me with sweet nothings.

Then came a crusader, who hid his royalty behind shabby clothes, poetic crap and raised eyebrows. He told me I was screwed. He taught me that I can't always have what I want. He seduced me into wanting things I didn't really like.

"I should work in advertising..." he even said once.

He has done many different things that the other princes didn't even consider. And from his lessons, I have learned that you can't always have your way and that it's idiotic to think that you could only be happy if you have the best thing - because there are no bests. And in those moments when I'm with him, moments that I still consider to be distinct times when madness and clarity clash, I have discovered that I could be perfectly content with the next best thing.

I'd be forever thankful for the epiphanies I have shared with him. However, in the light of my new life, I have forgotten that he too, is in need of salvation.

So unexpectedly, my dark and brooding charmer, fell into a serious state of cognitive dissonance. I lost him.

Then he comes. Then he goes. Then he comes again.

Then I was tired.

But I promised myself that I wouldn't give up on him. He showed me goodness, and that's what I should give back.

But I find it stupid sometimes. It annoys me when I think that I can be compared to that stupid maiden in A Lover's Complaint.

And it makes me question my newfound beliefs. Why do I settle for the next best thing?

---

When the handsome young prince came for the maiden, why did she reject him? I used to think she was plain stupid but now, I think I get her somehow. Yeah, pathetic as it may sound.

This was her reply:

O that infected moisture of his eye,

O that false fire which in his cheek so glow'd,

O that forc'd thunder from his heart did fly,

O that sad breath his spongy lungs bestow'd,

O all that borrowed motion seemingly ow'd,

Would yet again betray the fore-betray'd, And new pervert a reconciled maid!

And it might as well have been mine.