real

a year ago, i had a dream. i dreamt i was late for class... or work... i'm not sure. but i was late for something. i checked the garage and to my horror, the car isn't there. i have no spare money to commute and ultimately, i was alone.

this year, that dream, or rather, nightmare is coming true. not in the sense that every event in that dream gave me deja' vus, but in the sense that lately, i've been feeling helpless and dependent on things. i'm arrogant - that i confess to so it's natural that i don't like admitting that i'm wrong and admitting that i need help. every time i ask a favor from someone, trust me, it's like suicide. and maybe it is. this left me thinking that i may be much more fragile than i perceive myself to be but i felt that nothing actually changed. i'm still the pompous bitch that i was a year ago. speaking of, i really don't get it why people think i'm such a gentle creature. maybe i am, at times... but deep down, i'm as evil as the devil can be. no, my dear readers, i'm no scaring you. i've tested how mean i can get and it scared me. i'm only narrating the hard-to-swallow truth. i'm agreeable most of the time, yes. i'm mostly jovial and light-hearted also... but i don't know... i'm really confused with who i am right now, or rather, who i want to be.

sigh. yes, this is one of m many complaints about college again. it's just that i've really seen how the real world is (now). and it's really tough. most of you know that i've grown faster than my liking. i've practically rushed all the things in my life. i'm always jumping from one endeavor to the next, getting things done and being damn good at it. but what do i get out of it, really? at the end of the day, i still feel... empty and apathetic. as if i don't care about my achievements or all the things i've accomplished. it looks good on paper, yeah. but what have i done? did it make me happy?

happy - something i've realized that i'm not familiar with. the very few times (well, ok, not few) i've been truly and genuinely happy, i wasn't being myself. the one happy was that idealistic, carefree girl who always stood up for what she believed in. now, she is simply a ghost of who i am. it hurted me to see her go but i have to sacrifice her to prepare myself for the life ahead. times are hard. college is hard. the people are even harder. it means i should be hardest on myself. i dunno. i just don't want anyone pushing me around. how come people expect me to be so perfect, anyways? i'm not. i'm just human like everybody else. i have my shortcomings, i've succumbed to temptations, i get sick and i cry. i bleed and sometimes, i feel like dying. (shylock, is this you? :p) sigh. i admit that i'm envious of my former classmates, who can still laugh and be a kid. i was never given that privilage. ok, i act like a kid most of the time, but it's just pretend. i ever felt like i was a kid and i was never treated like one either. i never felt someone assuring me that thing sare going to be all right and all that. people just expected me to be capable enough to take care of myself because i'm who i am. i also don't get why people go berserk when i decide to show my flaws and be "human" for a while. oh, sorry for being sick. i didn't mean to. there's a virus going around and i don't have a force field to perevent myself from catching it. haaaay. life. real life.

welcome, dear readers, to my first real blog entry.